The Unedited Diaries Of A Suicidal Teen

8th July 2008

2008-07-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

So basically, I've got red dye in my hair, pyjamas on, and am bored out of my skull. Fancy a trip up to Hertford, see my girl. Bored. Only boring people get bored, haha. Back to listening to podcasts, because I'm so insanely cool. I just miss her. She's awfully far away. I'm knackered, and I've done nothing. Not a thing. Tried to do some writing earlier. Failed. And, just for the record. Kimberley Walsh is way hotter than Cheryl Cole. Baby I hear the blues are calling. Woah. Stop me. Hold me back. I want ice cream. But I'll feel like a pig. But it looks tasty. Ice Cream and Grey's Anatomy. Which I shouldn't be watching cos of the Aspergers. But I love it. I miss her I miss her :( Not good. Not so happy. Lonely. Very.

7th July 2008

2008-07-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time. And about a million things have changed. I've grown up a little. Learnt a little. Slept a lot. Had up and down times. But lets live for the moment. Today I sprayed my hair red. It's gone horrible. Doesn't look bad though. Agh. It's this song that reminds me so much of Beth. I don't know why really. Had a very boring day today. Ate too much. I need to sleep. And a cigarette wouldn't be a bad idea. No mistakes, no misbehaving. Was at Broxbourne train station the other night. It was strange. I got a little teary. I walked right to the end of the platform, and sat in the seats we sat in so long ago. I've been writing on my door a lot lately. It looks amazing. I want to write over my whole room, like Josh. I've so much to write. There's not enough time to express it though. A whole world of things have changed. Feel a little lost really, perhaps, but in a good way. Like I'm on a new adventure and I've got to work out where I'm going. Sometimes it feels as if what I have is more of a casual, stable, sort of thing. And I want spice, excitement. Not that there isn't. But I know where it'd be. And it is a little difficult. And a little tempting. It's the original war between lust and love. I just hope love wins in the end. It's difficult. Because I have feelings for the past and the future, which is awful, but so true. Help.

6th July

2008-07-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

I know it's been forever, there's been a lot happening and writing has become more in the background. I'm with the most amazing girl. She keeps me smiling, my Laura. It's nearly been 4 months :) Yay.

6th February

2008-02-06T12:14:00.000-08:00

Well. Thought I'd write a little before I get on with the four pieces of coursework I have to hand in tomorrow. I'm a happy chappy today actually. Saw duck at football, and it was a laugh. Laura and I have been having a chat about the lesbianness of our team. It amuses me greatly. And me and Frankie were comparing girls. =] She says Amarantha is hotter than Emily. I want to go see her. Yeah yeaahhhh. Didn't go to my french detention today, screw that, better shizz to do and all that. Been writing a lot lately, story-wise =) Tis interesting. Gives me something to waste my time on though. Gash, I have so much coursework it is unreal. Considering evil revenge on someone, shall be using Frankie's help, I know she'll enjoy it =] Said she'd take a bullet for me :) I'm glad someone would. Gosh. Besides the coursework and this annoying trip to spain approaching things are actually okay. Meh. That's probably a lie. But ohwell. Chelsey is too cool actually, we had a funny as shit phone conversation today, new friend yay for me. Oh and lucy rocks. But you knew that already. :)

31st January 2008

2008-01-31T14:48:00.002-08:00

AGH. Fuming. What the hell is wrong with Sarah. Takes everything out on me. Jesus. I haven't been this angry in a long while. ARGH. Aparently I have a new girl every month. Fuck you. Fucks sake. I don't need this. Trying and failing at my english speech thingamewatsit and Argh. Seriously. My god, get out. I want to give up with this shit and go upstairs and write my story. I have new bits to type up. I'd pick it over this. Even if I am writing about Narina P. Eeesh. Urgh. Seriously. Not a good time to get me angry missy. I could argh. ARGH. Jeez. Man. God.

r

2008-01-31T14:48:00.001-08:00

13th January

2008-01-13T16:47:00.002-08:00

She made me think. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

12th January

2008-01-13T16:47:00.001-08:00

I assume this is what they call a breakdown. Stressed out. Crying every day, every night. Feeling sick constantly, yet without illness. Decisions have been made today, I've decided. I don't give a fuck.Why bother telling the truth if other people lie. So I'm not going to try to hold on to that good little girl any more; I don't care about what's dangerous, what's wrong and what would be bad for my future. I don't care about priorities, or any other shit. I'm bored of it all. And go fuck yourself. I didn't fucking threathen to kill you. Jesus fucking Christ. With each lie, I lose blood babe. Go tell mummy darling about that why don'tcha. Just leave me the fuck alone. Argh.

11th January

2008-01-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

Get me out of here, get me out of here, get me of here. It’s been a lyrical day. Imogen Heap in my head, Brandi Carlile on my mind. In an irritated mood, frustrated by the littlest things. In need of Grey’s anatomy season three. Feels like I’ve rewound the tapes a year. And that scares me. New music, old music, New friendships, old ones down the drain. My fault. As always. If we’re back a year, it’s time for me to go back inside my cacoon. I haven’t really woken up from the sombre feeling of the last week or so. I think I’d like to take a trip to Hoddesdon. By myself. Just to remember. Cry a little. Think. Because that was such a special day and I ruined it just by being there and being a total idiot. If fucking only. Eh. Oh shuttup. What I need is someone to take me away from the memories and make new ones. I’ve not made any memories in a long time. Which means there’s going to be a big empty hole in my life. Yay me. As if there weren’t enough of those already. I want my girl back.. The one I held like this.

Frankie, my duck, I miss you. I don’t care whether it’s ethical, whether we’re both in different places now, or that you’ve changed. The girl you were then, I miss her. Watched the videos of the day in Hoddesdon. Nearly cried. Nearly. But I didn’t. Not yet anyway. Some stills from videos sum up how things were. I was so so happy. We both were.

I just thank god it’s only so many weeks before we leave school and I can stop putting on a brave face. Because I think that is what is hurting me the most. The pretending. I can’t write anymore tonight. It’s tearing me apart too much.

9th january

2008-01-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

Things aren’t good. To be perfectly honest. It’s like you’re reading my mind and I hate it because this is my mind written out here. I don’t know what to do. Because it’s not everything falling apart. Everything’s already gone. I’m just a complete wreck. I can’t keep a secret, it’s official. I feel ill. I won’t lie. I’m hoping it’s something that’ll keep me off school for a bit. I’m not up to it at the moment. What I want is to talk to the doctor more than for ten minutes a month. That doesn’t help, it’s pointless. Joyce is so unhelpful, driving me insane, ugh. It’s like all I want to do is run away. Somewhere where no one will ever find me. Not ever. Hyper Wednesday sucked today. And Hannah wasn’t as hyper either. Sucked. I thought about you a little differently today. Like, you weren’t as special today, I didn’t need you so freakin’ much. Of course I still need you, I still care about you, but today it wasn’t right. I know you’re sad. Something’s up and it’s killing me to see you like this, simply because of how I feel about you, still. But with each different girl, it makes me both happier and sadder. Happier that I read it. Sadder that it didn’t mean hardly anything. Crying. It’s becoming a habit. I miss my nocturnal life. Day sucks. You know what else I miss. I miss the hospital. 5 days. I ought to finish writing that one. All I need at the moment is sleep though. I want to sleep forever, and never wake up. People are so happy when a baby is born unto the world, but how can they not see what a mistake they’re making. There’s so much hatred, so much unhappiness here, everyone goes through shit times so what’s the big deal. I need Portugal. I need a break. I need something to ease the pain. I miss my beeping machine. I miss the pink bathroom. I miss the playroom, and the parent’s room. I miss getting locked out of my own ward. I miss helping the night-shift nurses administrate medication. I miss it. I miss the view from my window and I miss Brogan. I miss the acceptance of being completely myself. I miss the total safety. You don’t get that anywhere else. I need music. Grey’s is just making me cry more. It was where I was born and where I should have died. I’m past my sell by date and there’s no point in even trying any more because it’s only going to get worse. I know it. Because that’s what happened after the first time. Things don’t get better, there’s no such thing. They’ll just keep getting worse until it’s so much that I’ll finally succeed and stop being such a failure. No one understands because I won’t let them and I don’t want anyone to because it’s my life. MY life. I just want to be alone. I need my time. I need so much time to recover and think things through and sort everything that’s fucking me up out. What about me? I need a new link, I can’t have anyone reading along anymore. I hate it. Why the hell do I let people see my thoughts. No more. Stressed out megaly today. I need some time out. Some time away, some time to just think. I know thinking usually results in bad situations for me but I do need to think. It’s horrible to be denied of thinking time or creativity time, because I need it. I need it to survive. Just like we need a beating heart. I need the perfect situation where it’s quiet and nothing buzzing and no one annoying me or agitating me and I need to be relaxed and calm and just think. I haven’t been up to my tree in a while. Or to sit under the bridge with red bull. I think I need a shock to the brain, electrically, something to wake me up, but put me to sleep at the same time. Stop. Oh. Tears are drying up, but I spring a leak everytime something crosses my mind. A blank one is all I ask for, so I can watch Grey’s in peace and concentrate like any other human being. Because I think that’s what I am. Feeling light headed, dehydrated most likely. Need sleep. Need rest. Need serenity. I want to be there before she gets there so she won’t be alone. I don’t know how she feels inside because nobody can. But she needs looking after, she needs company and I’ve said I’d give her a kidney if only that could help her but it can’t. I don’t want her to die. I don’t want to lose the girl that’s been a mystery since as long as I can remember, but always been amazingly special. We don’t really even know her. Nobody can. But we do in our own way. I just feel that it could be a way to help them all, to know that she won’t be alone once the worst happens. I’d give that for them. I’d take care of her the way she needs it. No. It’ll hurt more than you realise if she dies. She could never deserve any of this. I just need a little time out of my own mind, so I don’t have to be wound up around everything that keeps me awake at night and everything that tears me apart inside. So I don’t know what I need. Does anyone?

7th January

2008-01-07T12:38:00.001-08:00

Back to school. It doesn't bother me. All that does is the dirty looks. Get over it already, I have. I don't want to be your friend, thank you very much. It's a good time to fall back in love with miss Amy Kuney. Ace shizz. Thank you for last night. Has no real meaning for me, but a pretty one. A googol. A googolplex. Yeahhh. I wanna reach it. I like funny maths lessons. It's good cos there's no one I currently dislike in my group. Planned our summer holidays in art today. We're jetting off somewhere hot and sunny and far away :) Ughh. I'm in a bad mood today. The breakdowns not come yet but I can feel it bubbling away. Fed up of this shit. Am proud of Charli. Teehee. & Love is trippy. Old shizz. What fun. Argh. Nosey fucker. At the end of my tether to be honest. In need of icecream. And like stressing out a whole lot. Go away. Get out. But lunch was fun as always. Love this lot. Crazy bunch. :) Oh & what made me laugh a lot was that message when you couldn't shut up about how over it you were. Guess who's over it now bitch. Gonna go bed. Don't seem to be of any help to anyone and things are just generally fucking up so yeah. What a bunch of gash. I hate it.

6th January

2008-01-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Uneventful holidays. Had a lot of time to think. The damage has been done really. Some changes are preferable, yet weren't handled in the maturest of ways, my bad. Anyway. Back to the hell hole tomorrow, and mixed views. Considering adding the uberly cool gay pride badge I bought to my blazer =] Aha. Bluebell arrived, sugar, that may have to be a nickname for my new babyyy, the gorgeous Cecilia-May. Bringing the total to three. Yay. Lyrics are meaningful again, which makes sense, and I've started to learn Portuguese again. Which I suppose is good. & Sarah is back in my life after a long two years. Which is excellent. She means a real lot. :) I won't lie. Things have been shitty these last weeks, and I'm not even attempting to make it any better. Woah. Feeling some real anger bubbling up. And I know from experience that it will erupt either as an attack or a breakdown. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm not in the mood for shit to be perfectly honest. And I know I'll get it. London was a revolution yesterday. Thought lots, wrote lots. Wrote a little poem, entitled Broxbourne. I read it over last night, it made me cry for hours. It's bad that I still miss you yeah? OH shut up. I am in a bad mood with myself. Ah fuck this. I need some fucking sleep. I'm angry. And everyone knows who it gets taken out on. Arms, legs, I'm just one walking, talking, scar.

Broxbourne

2008-01-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

Broxbourne

I miss you.
This, the station where I almost kissed you.
Oh, sweet memories betrayed
I do hope they never fade.
Time stands still for longer than it should
Remembering the platform where we stood.
Immersed in each other; Young and in love,
Yet that was only one of us.
For here I am, six months on,
Wondering, if only you hadn't gone.
There are nights where I still cry,
Wishing you were by my side.
At least I know you're happy, but,
Again that's only one of us.
But as the train pulls away,
I feel that it should be today,
That I should raise my hands and try
To painfully say to you, goodbye.

Written 05/01/08 - Broxbourne Station

24th December

2007-12-24T15:35:00.000-08:00

And very nearly Christmas. Not excited in the least. Rather sad really. Had a minature heart to heart with Rufy, we're going on an adventure soon, which will be ace. Never shared a proper adventure before. Love them though. And Rufy will spice it up of course. :) My note went up in flames so I guess that means I won't be getting what I wished for. I feel empty. Like I don't really belong. Spent a lot of time with Mr Acoustic today. Hope I don't neglect him once Cecilia-May comes along. Red pens. Black bags. Merry Fucking Christmas. Or bloody not. How ironic, as Ruth puts it. Meh.

23rd December

2007-12-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I never know what to write anymore. It used to flow. But now I'm all blocked up inside. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I wish what Sarah assumed was the real reason I was in hospital last night. Nothings changed in this last year. Dare not dig out diaries of these dates last year. The crying hasn't stopped. It's coming up for four months. Four months since you stopped loving me. And I still love you. Unfortunate but true. Oh. It hurts more than anything. More than the cutting, more than the looks I get when someone sees the scars. I don't see any point carrying on. There's nothing to live for. This Christmas will be an unhappy one. I don't want to be there for it. I won't be able to hold myself together.

20th December

2007-12-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Eeeeesh. Pissed off. A lot. Wish people would stop treating me like a fucking retard cos I'm ill. I can't help it. Jesus. And also, I waited all night for you. Let down. Grr.

Not a happy bunny today. Really really not.

18th December

2007-12-18T15:32:00.000-08:00

2007. 7 years, 7 years ago today she acted so bravely. She did the most beautiful thing. I just can't believe it's been 7 years. Kirsty MacColl. I miss her. I sang 'A New England' at school today. For Kirsty. With her extra verses. I laughed. I almost cried. I'm crying now. What a loss. I need to go to Soho Square. I should have gone there today and sat on her bench. Ahh man. Listening to her amazing voice, watching videos, really gets me emotional. She was one of the greats, without a seconds doubt. Charli said I sang more beautifully. But it's just not possible. I would cut off my arms just to see her live. See her sing. I'm sad. I've been breaking the last few days. Ran away yesterday. Got stuck in a thorn bush and caught in barbed wire and lost in fields. Crying every day. Every night. Things are wrong at the moment. Ugh. And I'm supposed to have got Charli's present ready and wrapped the others'. But I can't be fucked. Oh god. Tomorrow Never Comes. Haven't heard this one in a while. Kirsty I miss you. Where's justice. I'm going to let you live on, you can live through me. Come back though? Please..

14th December 2007

2007-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

No happy. Hmm. Pissed off. The actual reason I didn't talk to you in the last few days is because I don't want you. Yeah I like you and that, you're like perfect but it's not right. Just reminds me of someone I'd leave at the alter. Aha. That's not really funny. But it is. :) Whatev. Scrapping my English coursework. It's shit. And lets be honest. It's not my English assignment is it? It's a fucking life story and I hate it. I'm not giving it in. I'm not changing names. End of. Gabi asked me something today which no one else has. It's because she reads between the lines. Shame she went off-line before I could reply. Christmas shopping tomorrow. Not in the mood really. Doesn't feel Christmassy when you're down. Don't judge. I used to love Christmas. It's never the bloody right time to go out and take that shopping trip I'm desperate for. Take the plunge. I can't be bothered with this at all. Agh. Jeez.

12th December

2007-12-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

I miss you so much.

I'm number 8.

I think you'll always be number 1, no matter what.

I've finally broken.

I miss you.

7th December

2007-12-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

Strangely happy right now. Wasn't a while ago but I'm good now. Going out with Gill-un in a bit. Think we might go to the pond. Which might seem weird but I think it's a step forward really. It's a lovely place, I should be able to show my friends :) HEY YOU, girl with one eye. Wooh. Not listened to this one in a while. I like old songs. Ravey ones. EEep. Loiking the writing sugar.

6th December

2007-12-06T14:05:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow's another day and all that. Yeah. Of course it is. You don't have to be a genius to work that out really do you... Blah. I actually hardly ever wear makeup. I don't wear makeup to school, can't be bothered. Is Charli's birthday today. Hardly saw her. Got a surprise for her though. Want to make it perfect though so she'll have to wait. Poor her. :) Eesh. Weird how as you get older, not only yours but everyone's problems deepen. As do their scars. They aren't just skin deep anymore. Eesh. What am I going to say? Agh. Simon's still in Sarah's dreams and guess who's still in mine. Oh. That was one hell of a dream last night. Don't really know where it came from because I wasn't really thinking about it yesterday anymore than usual. Eesh. Guess dreams speak the truth though really. They tell you what you're too scared to admit to yourself. Ha. In Millie's dream I crashed a car. I like being in other peoples' dreams. Makes me feel like I'm inside their heads. Creepy eh?! I really want to polish this coursework off. Thing is I just need all the documents which contribute to it. So I can remember each event perfectly. I don't want to make any mistakes. Because not only is it coursework, it's what I've not really thought over since. It's stormy tonight, yay. I like storms. I also like speakers. I don't like headphones that only work in one ear. They suck. I like seeing teachers in weird places. That's amusing. Vaguely. I like long words. I like writing lyrics in Latin. I don't like knowing that I failed one of my mocks. That sucks. Really does. Should've just not gone in. A letter to each would've explained all. Ee. Aren't people funny shapes. Yes. Yes they are. Arhhhh. I need a frappuccino so bad! Back, forward, left, right, up, down, this way, that way, north, south, east, west, the other way, over there. So many different directions. 2D is weird. Nothing is actually 2D so yeah. Hmm. I can't deal with crying people. I'm so bad at cheering them up. You'd think I would be, but I'm the worst at it. Pointless even talking to me, I make things worse. I love Lucy's lot. They really cheer me up. Steph and that say come sit with them, but none of them are eating and it's stressing me out. I don't want to sit in a room and do nothing but talk. I want to have fun. Come on, it's year 11, let the boat out a little. Eeesh. I think it's when we hit half eleven, it just goes that step further. But I'm not complaining, at all... Oh god. Wow-fucking-eee. Eesh. Frank's a bit happy. Oh she is.

5th December 2007

2007-12-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

She keeps me up. Till the early hours. Gosh. Get your Wednesday smile out. I think it's something about Wednesdays. I just cannot keep a straight face. Football wouldn't be nearly as funny without Hannah. She just looks at me and bursts out laughing. We're hyper on Wednesdays. Missy Higgins music on repeat. And french coursework lessons. Fun. Or not. I like music at lunch. It's a release. Eesh, I love random conversation. About nothing in particular. I guess I'm a pretty unusual person. But seriously, who wants to be normal? Who wants to be average? Did you get here in a rocket? Fucking yes I did mate. Alien. Ace. Nearly Christmas it is. Good things happen at Christmas. So it should be okay. Played a lot of guitar today. Needed to. Printed off some chords and tabs and sat and played. Needed to sort my head out a little. But the end of the night was amusing. Eesh. Yeah. Shleepy.

4th December

2007-12-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today has been a stressful one. I got sent home from school. Art teachers fault for making me cry. Urgh. No Doctor today. I think that was the tip of the iceberg. But counselling wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, which I was thankful for. And my english exam went really well, didn't go to sleep this time! I hate this. I never cry in school. But for the last two days in a row I have. Which isn't good. Need to bloody well pull myself together. Going to go and write some English coursework in a bit. It's the only homework I like to do. See they have really saved the best till last. Imaginative writing is my strong suit and here it is. Yay. Yeah. I have confirmation, I wasn't rude today so don't lie. I hate liars. Hate is a strong word. Meh. Sarah's upset. :( Not good. Said I didn't want to go to art today, did I not? Actually I think I said I didn't want to go to French, and I ended up not going which I suppose was good. I like frappaccinos. The chocolate ones are the best, it's love. Chocolate love. Sheesh. I like sheep. They're like little clouds on legs. I had a dream the other night that I ate a cloud. Just tasted like ice. I really do not believe in gravity. Because how would evaporation work? And how would clouds stay up there? Yeah, gravity doesn't exist. Neither do a lot of things. Rawrr. Science tomorrow though, and thanks for being nice to me today, backing me up. And thanks again for not saying anything when I saw you in the playground. Because that could've been uncomfortable. Printed off some chords to learn which is yay. There's a sticker. I like stickers. They're really fun. It's strange that sometimes I feel so much older than my years, and other times so much younger. But it's fun to feel young, who wants to feel old and decrepid eh? Ipod needs charging. OH look, my old strawberry suit. That was a really fun day. Photos, memories. Tomorrow's another day and hopefully a better one. But we cannot predict the future so it is silly to try. You don't have to be a hero. You just have to stick it out. Keep plodding on through the mud. Because you have to. Really, don't you. I need my bed. My bed and a pen and paper to write about what happened on the days leading up to the 28th September, because that is the only time I have truely felt despair. And I need to write about it, not for me, for my english. But for me as well I suppose. Because I've not really relived it in writing at all and I think I ought to. Lucy's right though, it'll either be good or bad. Lucy is always right. Without fail. Because she's too freaking clever for her own good. And she loves Richard Hammond. I actually watched Top Gear today. Go me. Can't see what Lucy sees in him though, but I shan't question the wonder that is Lucy Hewitt, meself, sour, recording, harry potter, car woman, stupid wally, a best friend in her own right. Love you lots bumhead. =] Eesh. Bed time methinks. Well. Time to go sit and write. As if I haven't written enough already. Enough. No such thing.

3rd December

2007-12-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

Liv, the sunset was pink today and I knew you were looking over us all. I cried in the form room with Saz. Jayleigh wasn't there today and I don't blame her. Then again in science when I had to change that date. I didn't want the third to come. Because two years is a really long time. Especially without you there. I shan't go tonight, but know that I'm thinking of you. Today wasn't fun in the slightest. I tried to smile, but I was continually crying inside. I'm glad I can talk to the doctor tomorrow, someone who'll understand. I have lots to pour out. Vicky says she's glad my days are getting happier. And they are I suppose, slowly. I love Lucy Meself. What a funny one. The sun'll come out tomorrow. Ooh look, Annie joined our English group! Back then I must've just said the right things. I think that's it. Listening to Regina. Ugh does anyone else want to fuck me off anymore today? Shout at me, whatever, I despise you, fucking arsehole. On a day like today, god. I need to write a song. Or something productive. Get all the mess of angered emotions out. Forgive me - Missy Higgins. It's singing out as I drown my cheeks. But on a nicer note, English Coursework will be amazing. Yeah. It'll buzz me or break me and I want to write it right away. I might write it tonight. Pour shit out. Yees. There's a lump in my throat, a knot in my stomach. I thought my appendix was going to burst in maths today. Ouchie. I think I haven't eaten in a while. Sarah just rung me. She made me cry. She said they always take the best ones. And they do. Because those two girls were two of the best. And are missed dearly. I didn't tell her I was crying though. So it's okay. The stupid girl's managed to lock herself out of her building. Tut. She'll ring again in a bit. Cheer me up. What a sweetie. I well like her. Ah stop it Frankie, stop it stop it stop. You always do this. I need to slow down. Because I fall for people too bloody quickly. Yeah. So bleh. Sad day. Tomorrow's a whole blank canvas though. No more tears. Not right now anyway.

2nd December

2007-12-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Oh. I don't think I've ever cried this much, I really really don't. I watched elf. And it brought back a lot of memories. A lot. I really miss you. Insanely. You were there today. In goal. Took me ages to find your house. The one that looks like Santa's house. Yeah. What I said to Beka on friday was true. It's like all this stuff with Sarah doesn't matter, not that it's much at all I guess. She's trying. I just seem to have turned into a brick wall. Oh. Today, my rainbow, was standing under a rainbow and a tear came to my eye. In a football match. I never cry at football. Jeez. I think you'll always be the unicorn, the rainbow. And I don't think I'll ever be able to watch elf again. It's just heartbreaking. Sitting under the trees in a field with you where everything was almost perfect. Almost. Three hours. I'm going to de-hydrate but I can't stop. Every song, every bloody song means something. I can't bare the fact that Christmas is almost upon us. Because every Christmas song and everything will just in some way be linked to you. It's like there's you. And I know you'll agree you're hardly perfect. And I probably should have listened to people when they said being with you would do me no good because I needed stability. I needed someone who wasn't just as messed up as me. But whatever, because back then I couldn't imagine being with anyone else ever. And it's a cliche but I don't care. I really loved you. Loved. Thankfully the pain is subsiding a little. It'll never go away. But it will calm itself a little. It'll always be there somewhere though. I know it will. But, it isn't so strong. Like with Caroline, I was insane jealous. But now with Emily, I want to help you. I want you to be happy. I just can't help remembering how happy you made me. And looking through old stuff. Just makes it worse. You weren't good for me at all. But it didn't matter. Because, and here I shall contradict Grey's Anatomy, love doesn't have any limits. And Sarah, it's weird, she is like perfect. She's unbelievably beautiful, on top of everything else. She's lovely. We have so much in common. She has that same air of cheekiness that I saw in you. And she'd be good for me. I just can't think though. Oh god. This song made me cry in the hospital. It was playing as I woke up the morning after. 1973. Fuck it, I miss you. But I'm allowed to miss you. Maybe I just miss the company but I think I miss you. Gord. Eesh. This could have come at a better time. This will be cutting me up tomorrow, as if I didn't have enough to think about. Not your fault. No one's fault. Oh, tomorrow. No. It can't be here already. No. Liv&Charlie, sleep peacefully girls. Crap. Ohhh. God. Falling apart. There are too many people gone from my life that I miss so much. Lifes fucking unfair. They say He only takes the best, but what about all of us left behind?

1st December

2007-12-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

blah

30th November

2007-12-01T03:57:00.000-08:00

Fit. Do you know what? I don’t know why I even tried to give up. I’m no giver-upper. God. Plus I’m just not happy without it so whatever. Plus live life because you won’t always be around. Eesh. Today was blah. Funny though. Finally got served after being rejected all night. Bryony made up fun lyrics to Bleeding Love. It was hilarious. I love this lot, bunch of loonies but I love them. They’d be good for me. They are good for me. Good meal today. My hair looked amazing, but it was raining and ew. Was good though. AHA I love this episode. The one where Addison gets poison oak. Aha. Revenge is sweet. Thought it was a sign today. That I should never smoke again but actually it was just to show me to persevere because you’ll always get what you want in the end. And right, my great-granddad, he’s 98, he smokes and he’s in good health. So I’m not too fussed. Gordddd. Hot girl. Like wow. Gave me her number last night. And she rang me tonight. Eeeesh. I well like her. Somehow, I know I hardly know her but we just click. If that doesn’t sound too weird. Lots in common. And she makes me smile. Which is the important thing right. Ralala. I just hope she’s into me and not just stringing me along. That could go badly. But I think there’s something there. Plus she is like wow. Which is a bonus. BLINK. Big brother. Yeahhhh. It’s long phone calls into the early hours again. Except this time it’s a different. Because it’s wow. Listening to Charlixcx. It's actually ace. Loveeeeet. She's star material. Wahey. Trippy day today; eesh.

29th November

2007-12-01T03:56:00.000-08:00

Yesteryear.

28th November

2007-12-01T03:55:00.000-08:00

On the train listening to the voice I'll be hearing in reality in a few hours. Wow. I've decided I'll be really nice. Seeing as I'm changing, I'll give my tea to a nice homeless person. :) They need it. And I don't even want it. Oh it's tempting to dig in. Really is. But no, I'm being really strong. Brandi Carlile OHYEAH. Gosh I can't get my head around it. Aha. And I'm alone as I wished. I love my little private adventures. They're ace. BAM. Haha. Slept in an exam today. Because I couldn't do it. I mean, I could do it, I just couldn't. The advert was on again this morning, the one that makes me sad. I do miss you. Maybe I should make London a weekly visit. Feels like longer than a week since I was there. It really does. It was the day that makes people sad today. She'd be 16. So much would have happened. Monday will be worse though. I shall take her picture and kiss her forehead then talk to the stars. It doesn't feel like 2 years. :( Gosh, I'm almost crying now. Love you Liv. I see London! It's so pretty at night. I so can't wait to live here. In a little comfy flat. Where the rules are my own. This song is true. Take a listen - What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. She really does speak out the truth. Sings rather. She sings. Amazingly.

***

Wow. Actually WOW. This is an ohmygod moment. I actually saw Brandi Carlile. In the flesh EEEEEEEEK. Wowieee. She is more than words can describe. And I made some ace new friends. And free alcohol. Can't be bad eh? Aha. Blatently amaze one hell of a night. Loveit. Yeeeheee. Ace. Wahey. Eesh. Eeeee.

27th November

2007-11-27T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today I looked in the mirror. I mean, I really looked. Studied myself. And I'm not happy. I need to change, I really need to change. Starting from now. And actually do it this time. Sigh. Thoughtful, despairing sighs. I found the set list yesterday, with Nerina's writing on. Obsessed. It's strange that I'm thinking about flying over to Jersey to see her play isn't it... But it's an impulse, a feeling. Endings. Happy endings, sad endings, untimely endings. Weakness - a word of many meanings. Oh oh, I'm really hurting inside. Seriously considering revisiting my little silver friend.. Which is not good. It's been a while. But I really am caving in. That vague hopeless feeling. But lets just see if I can do three days. Gah, it was a fun day. So why am I so unhappy?

***

Wow. It really turned around. An email, and now I've got two tickets to Brandi Carlile tomorrow night in London. Wow. Seriously. It's an opportunity, I can't wait. Her first ever UK gig, and I'm going to be there. Wow. Haha, private gig, I feel so priveleged. Wahey. Oh, my new friends do make me laugh. Especially Ell and Sarah. Sarah is hot. Like really hot. We're talking, it's good. I love all this. I love all this not having to pretend anymore. It's ace. And a small dilemna. Because I just remembered what tomorrow is. It's Anna's birthday. It's the party at training. And Frankie's going to be there. Well she said she'd try to get there. It's not good, right, that I'm actually thinking about missing out on the gig, just so I can have the possibility of seeing my ex-girlfriend for an hour. That's not right is it. But you know what, I'm going to go to the gig, it's a once in a lifetime experience and if the situation was different I might've stayed and gone to training. But we're friends now, and it's Brandi Carlile. Agh. How excited am I?! It's just that I'm so tired. But a few red bulls and I'll be over it. Full of energy again. Yeah. Pretend the exhaustion isn't there. Because who said I have to admit to it? I'm 15, a little lying about my state won't do any harm to anyone. Only myself . And I'm willing to take that risk. More than willing.

26th November 2007

2007-11-26T16:28:00.000-08:00

The rush you get from doing something a little off-limits. Private grounds - fuck off. Nothings private really is it? Because everything is all about being nosy these days. Privacy should be abolished, so everyone can know everything. I have a flat tyre on my bike. Now it makes a funny noise., Which sucks. I love these fields. They're so open plan and fresh. I could sit here for days without moving. At the moment I seem to be in and out of hospitals like a jack-in-the-box. Ahk, don't take offence, there's none intended, I just think this way. Life must have been so quiet before there were cars. Because now there's always a constant car noise, it never stops. suppose that's why I don't like the countryside. Acorn shells. This year has been nice. I like the year without summer. It's much lovelier. Maybe next year they can get rid of Spring and I'll be left with just my two favourite months. Always got the nagging feeling I'm being watched. but too scared to look. Exam time is strange, it's like you don't have to interact. So there is no time to fall out or patch things up or have any kind of relationship at all. There's no time even for help. Began my new picasso the other night. Because seriously, if he can just slap a bit of paint of a canvas, so can I. Trips me out how anything anyone is capable of can go for millions if you're known. It's just like the books and poems. As if the authors were thinking about alliteration or onomatopoeia when they wrote the bloody thing. They wrote it, I understand if we have to read it, but to pick our way through each 'gem' like a fussy farmer, well it's just pointless. I know if I was a write I'd hate that. Because things only truly have one meaning, no matter how you interpret them, the author's view is always the one that matters, the one that is real. And to be honest, who cares what you think, who actually gives a flying fuck? (Thank you Kitty) You can relate to it yeah, but wasting your time nit-picking it's just, well, it's hilariously overrated. As is Shakespeare. Now if he wasn't all famous, whatever that means these days, and you saw, say, Henry VII in a bookshop, a) you wouldn't go near it in the first place, and b) if you did, after you'd blown off the inch thick layer of dust, you'd put it straight back down again once you realised that it didn't make any sense because Ye Olde English died out centuries ago. And now people can talk properly. So I conclude that Shakespeare is shit, and will say that: Mine self and mine eyes, hath not and willeth not ever readeth a book of Shakespeare. Yeah, back to reality, oops there goes gravity.. Who actually believes in gravity? What a joke. They're brainwashing us all. You jump, you aren't just going to stay up there are you?! Refuse to believe in any of that forces nonsense. Lie down under a tree, and look up until a leaf falls. It's fun. And just breathe. Through your nose obviously. Watch as the sky fades to grey. And don't forget that once upon a time you wrote those three words in a poem entitled 'Stars'. They're like skeletons, Silhouettes, Statues. Black against grey. Beautiful.

***

So the productivity of my day today was beginning to write an essay for my new friend at uni. 10000 words, that's a hell of a lot. But it's good fun, it's a good subject. I don't actually care what people think. My new friends are ace. I hardly know them but we laugh a lot. They make me smile. It's good. And there's no history which helps. And yeah whatever, I'm happy like this. Smiley. And grinning. Bleh. My neck hurts. I've not rested all day.

25th November

2007-11-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

One month. One month till Christmas. A month can go so quickly. Or each day can drag out for so long. And you can't decide which it'll be. Which is unfortunate. Still haven't finished writing the letter to Charli. Just fetched it and read it through. It's really difficult to write what I want to. Aha Found my new favourite music artist today. And she totally lives round here. And she's 15. Charli. Goes to the college. It's like WOW. Been listening to it for hours. I love it. Luuuuuuucy, No one wants you here... Yeah. New fave. Well, second only to Nerina. But this is different. She's going to make it BIG. Big time baby cakes. Yeah yeah yeah. Agh bad mood much? Probably due to the 3 night run of insomnia. This could turn into something. My eyes feel like they did before. Droopy. Ugh. I can't put myself into writing mode to write this letter. I must though. Or I will go insane. I can't really be bothered. But I will anyway. I don't like to start things without finishing them. Made a few secrets this weekend. It's been a fun one, although uneventful. Think I'll write a little of my story tonight, been thinking about it a lot. Will take my notepad with me to the bath in case I get any inspired ideas. Ickle pencils. Aren't they cute. Remember in primary when it was all about having the smallest pencil, or the sharpest pencil. That kinda left didn't it. I think I need to make some additions to my dedications list for the story. Needs updating. More people have touched my life and helped me and they deserve credit. I have a red shoulder. I don't think it's sunburnt seeing as it's November and it's been chilly today. AGH. I despise people who say that music is overrated. It most certainly is not. It's life. Music makes the world go round. It actually does. I couldn't live without it. No joke. I'd die. I'd be dead. A long time ago. Looked on a map yesterday. Found my pond on it. Decided next time I go there on my bike I'll venture further, like in the other direction where I've not been. There's lots of fields which means lots of getting lost and lying down looking up at the sky. I like clouds. Shows that the world is thinking. Vicky wants to read it all. She's a crazy banana. But I love my Vickyyy. She's in the dedications already. Always knew we'd be good friends I did. She's such a sweet one. And hilarious. Cracks me up every time. Love her a whole lot. When can I move to the city. When when when? Ah. I'm aching to go there. So much that it hurts. Time, whether it exists or not, really stretches out. Like a year is so long. We say a year is long. Long is a distance, therefore time is distance, Which means speed doesn't exist. So basically time doesn't exist and whatever prat invented it was a dickhead. Silly git. Yes, I must get on with this letter. Focus on it. Like yeahh. I don't want to. It makes me angry. I can't deal with angry at the moment. I'm on the edge. Wait till the exams are over, and I'll get my life back together a little. That'll be good. I want parties and nights out and drunkness. Like hilarious drunkness where you can remember it but only vaguely. But not so drunk that you throw up. That's no fun now is it? Yeahh. I need my parties. Invite me someone? I don't like to feel that I'm inviting myself. And Beka's is aaages away and I need one now. Right now. NOW! I need some alchies. Yum yum. To cheer me up. Because it hasn't exactly been the best day. Shocking football match. Frankie wasn't there. I miss her being at football. It's fun with her there. And I don't miss her being there because of everything. I just miss her presence. She's a character you know. She's part of the team but yeah. Come back ducky!! I am not going to wait for him to come online tonight because I am just too tired. And I need a bath. To refresh myself. Even though I hate baths. They're too claustrophobic. I like showers better cos if I keep the door open I can arrange the mirror so I can watch Grey's Anatomy at the same time. Shut up, I'm a sad addict. :)

24th November

2007-11-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

Once again I have done nothing all day. My life is boring. Actually I made some cool new friends today on my new favourite chat room. Found him Found him Found himmmmm. My ipod =] Wahey. Oh gosh. Take 5 minutes out. I like him. Is that weird. That I really do like him. And he says the sweetest things and I really like him. What do I do. Help? I want to see him. Ah. Phsshh. I'm all ill. But he said he'd hug me anyway. Awh. Uh. Football tomorrow. Too ill. And can't be bothered. Guitar has been strummed lots today. Been in some bad moods and some good ones. Been pissed off. And been really happy. Both ends of the spectrum. Yeahh. I like this. Being myself again. Being free. And not weighed down my feeling I'm cheating. When I wasn't even attached. But now, it's great. Hairs been falling out today. And my ears hurt. Oh the joys of being ill. Ill and feeble. Was a good day to myself though. Ate icecream and mooched around. Like a banana. Bananarama. Talked about old shows today. Like the Queens Nose. I loved that programme. And Bernard's watch again. I'm still dying for one. So I can pause time. It'd be ace. I'm glad my ipod has returned to me. I missed him awfully. Missed his presence in my pocket. Eesh. Wondering. Thinking. Hoping, waiting. Been waiting a long time. But, I've said it before. Impatient but got the stamina. Got a toothpick in the bottom hole of my ear cos earrings are boring. Looks mighty fine. Eek. I'm eeking. Gosh. I must be happy. He makes me smile. Yes he does.

23rd November

2007-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I sat in a French exam today and wrote Charli a letter. I don't know really if I should be the one writing it, but I am. It's not an apology, I've nothing to apologize for. I guess it's a kindof explanation / ultimatum type thing. But whatever, I'll finish writing it tonight. Need to get it off my mind. Something incredible happened tonight. Where I stood didn't matter so much anymore. I think I just might be getting somewhere. Not one to say I told you so, because I didn't, I just wrote it. But, now I'm worried about you. Because you split up with her. But you love someone else. And amazingly it didn't hurt. I wanted to help you, advise you. I must be growing up :) Just a little sad, but not as sad as I was before I talked to you today. It was just like old times. How funny. Watching you make hot chocolate. You're a mug. Haha. It cheered us both up. It really did. See, we can be such good friends. I didn't think that would be possible after everything. But it is. Took a while. But yeah. Eek. I'm a happy bunny today mind you. It's not so bad. This song is appropriate. 'The Long & Winding Road', especially the not so old school version by my ex-beloved Will&Garath. Oh those primary school days. Was the Northgate Christmas shindig this evening, reminisced with some old friends, brought back some memories. Got a hug off my old headteacher. Found our drawings on tea-towels, and our graffiti in the girl's toilets. Oh we were such rebels. FREE CAKES! Hahahahaha. How funny. Bored. Right down to the bone. Ohman, I'm cool. It's Friday night and I'm sitting at the computer. Wahey. At least it's the weekend though. Didn't get to sleep till gone 3 last night. Felt like old times. I rather liked being the crazy insomniac who never sleeps. Gave me an edge. So might stay up again tonight. Even though I need to sleep. I just like the night world. Had to avoid the art teacher today. Seeing as the straw that broke the camel's back was that I couldn't find my ipod. And I still can't. Which is not good. Thirsty. This cold is a bitch. I am so ill. My eyes hurt, my throat hurts, my nose hurts. UGH. Shopping tomorrow. Gots to buy me a gorgeous dress. Guess who's getting a new acoustic baby for Christmas. Thought about it. Wondered whether or not to think about bringing on 2008. I remember the end of 2006, thinking there was no way that 2007 could be any worse. Damn I was wrong. Look where I am now. But I shan't mention that to Beth, because she promised me that it wouldn't be as bad. I remember she was the first person I spoke to in 2007. Because after I cried at the twelfth strike of midnight I rang her. Over it. I don't give a damn. Things can always be worse than you imagine so whatever. Currently having an online pre-Christmas rave up with Beka, over webcams!! It's hilarious. We are singing along in sync, it's hilarious. So much fun. Loveit. I love happy times like this. Will leave tonight on a high. Yeahh. Gotta love it, it's why I stick around, the smiley times. :) :) :)

22nd November

2007-11-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

RALAA. I am in a most annoying mood. Pissed off. At everything. And am fucking ill. Like soooo ill. I painted today, was messy. And completely random. I have also watched 10 episodes of greys anatomy in the past 2 days. When is season 3 released? Ugh. Nerina blogged today. Cheered me up. Must write back. Must must must. Also, oh the best thing. Was in the Chinese in Harlow today and guess who came on over the speakers. Nerina of course. Sophia it was. Made my week. And saw my ickle Bethany today. I actually want to adopt her. She is the only small person I like. And I actually adore her. She's so freaking cute. Went stargazing today. We only saw planes though. That's society today though. Devil child was not as bad as usual, but I still despise her. And Loreal girl was annoying today. As always. Blah. Anyway. Memorise phone numbers. Stay up late. It's actually Friday. But I'm writing about today. Because it's still today until I wake up. I need to sleep. No joke. I don't want to but I need to. I know I do. ARGH. I am going insane. Hearing things. Feeling fidgety. I have no patience and ohhh I am just exhausted. Seriously. Seriously. I'm so in the mood to scream abuse at someone and then cry. I'm just stressed out. Like unbelievably. It's un-ace. That's not a word but my god I don't care. I don't care, I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A TOSS. I'm just not in a good mood. Really really not. Achoo. Gah. I cannot be bothered with this, I really really can't.

21st November

2007-11-21T14:36:00.000-08:00

Can't get my mind off you.. Yet it's only lyrics. This song makes me think of Beth. I well like Beth. I wish I could find someone I felt that way about who wasn't so far away. Had fun today. I thought a whole lot. London always makes me think. Scribble. Wander. Just guess your direction. Maps are no fun. I'm happy today though. Funny how dreams are beginning to become reality. Next time I won't be alone at the bar though, as much as I like drinking vodka by myself and observing, taking it in. I'm bad news. Baby I'm bad news, but in a good way. I think what's driving me up the wall is having so much to give but no one to give it to. Accidently broke the promsie today. Minor blip though. Will give the rest to Romy for her to look after in her own special way. Will do that tomorrow. Because I don't like breaking promises. I think the weekends will be busier.Damn, I love London, it has everything. Remind me to get off at Harlow, I've somehow ended up on the wrong train home... Voltage. I'm electric. Feels that way anyway. Oot, an idol is singing on the mp3 player I stole from my brother. It's not loud enough. I'm kind. I gave money to the homeless today. In the mood for kareoke but no one's about. Harlow Town Station. In the rain. Listening to Jon Bon Jovi. Perfect. Got a cold. Been sneezing ALL day. Achoo. Shit. I have to walk home when I get back to Stortford. Unless some kind soul fancies giving me a lift? 2 minutes. I like travelcards. You can go EVERYWHERE. On the train. De-loverly. Oot. Smudgy. And the pen has changed colour. Trying to find a fitting song. I want to watch grey's anatomy when I get back but I won't be able to bare it if Denny dies again. Seen it so many times , but I always think he's going to live. That was a horrible storyline. I cry everytime I see it. And when Doc gets put down. Before long season three will be out WAHEY. I'll never leave my room. Walked so far today, feet ache. But they aren't painful. Not one to feel pain. The other day I burnt the skin on my arm quite badly because it was on a radiator but I didn't feel it was on. Supergirl :) Bought Eddie's present. Oh if he only new. Naive little thing. Trains ask you funny questions. Feeling unwell? No I'm fine thankyou. Don't think walking through London in the rain was the brightest idea. But meh. Mesh. New Word. I like :) This song is wrong, we aren't all that fragile. I mean, I wasn't. And I'm not that fragile even now, I mean, I could be worse. PHONE. Just vibrated. Funny word haha. Oh, thought I was popular but it was from 02. Haha. OH OH OH I do love James. Hilarious. Why wouldn't I have fitted in? Gaybar ahahahahahaha. Funny shit. How amusing. Where was I. Ohyes. Bon Jovi was the king , not Elvis. Luckily put Grey's anatomy back to episode one, season one, so Denny is not yet even a distant though, letalone an iminent corpse. Ahh. fun day, sleepy. I'm smiling, I'm happy. I like it.

20th November

2007-11-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

My eyes are swollen and I've developed a cold. I'm glad I saw the doctor today. She helps me. 16 days I managed, 16 school days. I think that is quite an achievement. And an adventure awaits me tomorrow. Which will give me a little break. Trying to look up somewhere nice to go, I want to meet some fun people who'll cheer me up. Think it must be London. I feel different there. Cried so much yesterday, couldn't stop thinking about Beth. I'm going up to Redditch after Christmas. I care about her so much. Cancer scares. Don't ever do that to me again baby, I know, not your fault but I don't think I've ever been so scared. I was in a bad way last night. But giving up smoking for you. Because I'm good like that. I love you Bethybum, you better never leave me to be just Frankstarr all alone okay. Excited about tomorrow. Know what I want. But don't know where I'm going. I like it that way. I'll take a notepad and write it out. Get some new poems done. Might even start a new song, I'm feeling guitary. I want a car. So I can drive myself about. I want to move out, and make rules for myself. Get a job and eat hardly anything and save all my money up. I think I did make the right decision, to stop trying to prove them all wrong. I've proved to myself that I can stick it out. For so long anyway. I watched an interesting television programme this morning. It made me think. It's like now I know that it doesn't always have to be you. Because there will be others. You were just a very close match to perfect. Wow. I believe that is the first ever picture of me and you. Looks funny. Shall keep it though for keeps sake. Memories yeah. They're sad but I'm trying now. To move on, not leave you behind, but get on with things. There could be someone else. I reckon. So I'm smiling. I know I said it wouldn't last with her. I take that back. You two should be together. If she makes you happy. I always said to you that that was the most important thing. Yellow paper. Is that why the yellow pages is called the yellow pages? How random. I was working myself too hard. Which is why I'm ill now. Saw Kathy today. It's Eddie's birthday tomorrow. I'll get him a present in London. I owe him something for cheering me up while I was on Dolphin Ward. More memories. They were really really happy memories. I smiled so much in that time. Cried a whole lot too. But at least I smiled. Vurr Vurr Vurr. The noise the printer makes. Where the fuck is my ipod. It better turn up or I'm going to go insane. No joke. I need my music. That's the real reason I wasn't there. I can't go five hours in silence. Breakable Girls and Boys, like Russian dolls. There's only so many layers. Not like onions. They have millions of layers. Make you cry though. I want my ipod. :( I miss it. I need it. And I truly have no idea where it could be. Mission for tomorrow. Meet someone interesting :) Wahey. Oh Oh Oh, funniest thing. Took an IQ test the other day. got 136, which I think is quite good. AND it told me my ideal job would be a surgeon!! HAHA. So one day I'm going to live out my own grey's anatomy! Haha. Time out's done me some good. But tired. Tomorrow though, will be good. Hmm. Yeah, bring on grey's anatomy. Oh, and Christina and Meredith have fallen out big time. I don't know how to forgive you for even thinking that. You disgust me. So much for I'd never judge you. It really upset me and you've not even apologized. It's okay though, it's only 7 months, then I don't have to put up with any of you prejudice people. Pah. Thought you knew me, I was wrong.

19th November

2007-11-19T14:16:00.000-08:00

I didn't see it coming. I guess no one did. Oh my gosh. No. You can't. Not you. You keep me going. You can't have cancer. You just can't. I never cry like this. You just can't. I can't lose you.

November 18th

2007-11-18T04:39:00.000-08:00

Oh Fuck off. It's my writing and I'll write whatever I want. Stop pretending that you care. I agree though, I am pushing people away. I'm lonely but I like my time alone. It lets me sort my head out. Which let's be honest is a high priority right now. Weeping. As always. Seem to have become some sort of human waterfall, always crying at the moment. Another sign that I'm breaking again. I don't want to see you today. I know. I know what happens when I do, I slip again, and I just don't want to. It's so hard to make the transition from loving you to just being your friend again, and I so want to just be your friend. I get it. It's just difficult. All these things being shouted at me and I don't want or need to hear them. Would've said the friends were slipping through my fingers but maybe I'm pushing them. Maybe I just want to be able to say that I conquered depression alone. Maybe that's why. I don't know. No one does. Not at all in the mood, but longing for an outlet for my anger. Anger which is building up rapidly inside me. I still have not started revision. Given up on getting anywhere in life. What's the point in planning ahead if you know you probably aren't going to get there anyway. It's pointless. And kicking a ball will probably help me get rid of some of the pain for a little while, but I know that when I get home again it'll all still be there just hiding beneath the football kit, the shinpads, the shorts. The twins must be coming any minute and I wanted to be with you when they arrived, that would've been so lovely. And Christmas. I don't want to be without you at Christmas. Because you love Christmas. And now I have to hate it just because you love it, so I'm not trying to be you. Like I've said I thought I was the one trying to be you, but look who pierced their ear six times to match mine. Eh? Now look who's who. It's tricky this stuff. I think they call it life, but as I've said before, I don't see the point. Because it's just suffering. You suffer while you live and you suffer while you die. So really it's pointless, hopeless. Sigh. Let out some of the bad air. Breathe in some good air, not that it'll work but it's worth a try. And you know what, I'm actually thinking of giving up, retreating back to my duvet by the window and hiding forever. At least it's just me there. And the one's I'm pushing away can't find me. I guess maybe if I just stop talking, stop existing I'll be less of an annoyance. It's worth a try. So I don't expect you'll see much of me from now on. I'll go back to my shell and be an oyster once again. Because coming out of my shell just makes for misery.

***

I was about to say thank god you weren't there today, but I wish you had been. You would've stood up for me when they were all shouting. But I guess it's a good thing. I cried today on the football pitch. No one saw, which I appreciated. It's snowing. I like the snow. I've decided as I've done 15 solid days in school, I'm going to stay in every day of the mocks, even if I do rubbishly. Just so I can prove that I can do it. I'm scared. Out of my mind and body. These exams don't really mean anything, they'll just show me how badly I'm doing educationally. What a joke. My inhaler isn't working and I'm listening to Idaho, which shows how bad things are. I'm unbelievably stressed, pissed off, aggrovated and generally not in a good way. Not a happy bunny shall we say? Oh, and I've decided not to be anymore. Not to make stupid comments to pass the time. Not to pretend to be someone else. And not to pretend to be strong when I can't. Because sometimes breaking down is the only thing. And you've got to let it out every so often. Or I'll explode.

The Diaries So Far..

2007-11-18T04:18:00.000-08:00

FRANK.15.
football. music. guitar
mooch. meow. eek.

I PUT THIS IN SECTIONS BECAUSE FRANKIE HINTON MADE ME.

Eek. Eeeeek. It's a happy noise. I should really eek more. My friends make me eek. :) They are ace. We have amazing nights out. And amazing nights in. Music rocks my world. Many decisions have been made due to song lyrics. My guitar is my baby. It's my third arm. Mr Acoustic & Florence-Dave. I love them both. Which says a lot about me coincidently. I currently still have a hospital tag around my foot. I'm a runnaway you see :P no, I just like it. It's turquoise. Which is an ace colour. Not as good as green though. Green is the bollucks. There's green paint sploshed on my school shirt. From art. Which I hate. And I can't do. I like school though, most of the time. I've met some amazing people there. Amazing people there, and amazing people on my football team. Who've helped me out a lot lately. :) My friends are all incredible. They come visit me when I'm sick :) I keep things that I know I'll never use. I'm just a twat like that, can't bear to throw things away, I'm messy. My house is a mess. My head is a mess :) I like messy. I hate labels. They piss me off. People are people. They don't need to be labelled. I have verbal diorreah. My words don't process in my mind first they just come out. Sorry about that. Sometimes I talk really loudly, without realising. I have the stupidest laugh. It's really quite funny. I've tried to change it many times. That was funny too. I like memories. And stuff that makes me laugh just thinking about it. I like me and Beka's deviousness. And our hilariousness. I got served alcohol in sainsburys. Get me. It's the boobs, I'm telling you. I like yakults. On my 14th birthday I wished that they'd make a yakult that was as big as the big bottles of coke. It hasn't come true, and I don't think it's going to, so I thought I'd say. I love the big window in my bedroom. It's got a windowsill, and you can sit on it and watch the stars. They don't do much though. But I like to sit there. I'm an emotional wreck. Can't help it. Also have extreme paranoia. To the point where it's vaguely amusing. I've made so many mistake. And I only have one regret. It was recent. I'm over reactive. I get too happy, and too sad. I'm strange. Also when I type, I say what I'm typing. That annoys the hell out of people. Haha. Especially when I'm singing at the same time. Because I make no sense. I never make much sense actually. I live in my own little world. Where reality is a bitch. I miss her bare amounts. But meh, life's a bitch. I LOVED the clangers. There's a toy clanger next to me, it's annoying though. I swear the clangers were cuter on the telly. I love greys anatomy, it is my bible. I tried to read the bible once. That was interesting. I'm doing fine. Then her song comes on itunes. Brings back memories. Happy ones, sad ones. She's amazing. I'm supposed to be moving on. That's not going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway. I know all the words. It's never going to happen. But there's an eency bit of hope left, which hasn't been trampled on just yet. Don't know where it came from though. I like plans. And new beginnings. Ellie & Izzie are my little angels. They keep me real. Fits of laughter, chilling out on the trampoline, Chasing guinea pigs and making milkshakes. Blah. I like fire. EXPAND on that matey.

Charli is a nutter. I love her. She makes me laugh so much. I need my time by myself. Otherwise I go craazy. I don't like to sleep in a bed. AND I like to think I am the reason the spice girls reunited. Remember my petition!! Ha. I love those funny times. I hate velvet. EW EW EW. One time I had to wash my hands several times after accidentally touching charli's velvet cushion. *shudders* eurgh. I love talking to random people. Like strangers in the street. They have a lot to say for themselves. Ahahaha. You know you're growing up when you use the term 'flatulence' !! Pahahaha. Beth is an angel. She is ace. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been saved. Sometimes I walk down the street and think, I shouldn't be walking down the street. But sometimes I'm glad I'm still around. I like the smell of board pens. :) Ugh. That is how I feel right now. Stressed. Wish people would stop telling me shit. In need of a cry to be honest. Go and cuddle Mr Acoustic. Hit me I'll hit back. I'm a fighter. Right now though, I'm that bleeding guy in the corner of the ring who can barely lift his head to see the next punch coming. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I never did. It just happened. My ghds set on fire the other day. That sucked. Nothing is ever as funny as it seems in my head. I like gigs. Currently I'm fucked off simply because the fucking royal mail are such wankers and are on strike AND I CANT FUCKING GET MY NERINA TICKET :( sucks.. CHARLI IS THE BEST. obviously. I want to grow up. I'm not actually that immature. I just want to be independant. Need to get away from this hell hole anyway. Brogan was the sweetest. I juggled a fish bowl. :( I hate having to lie. But the truth fucking hurts. I have issues with irrational hatred. I don't really know what to do. I feel lost. Empty. I'd like to make a house out of sticks, like back in the old times. Someone take me to hatfield forest? For a picnic.

I can never sleep. One time I'd been watching greys anatomy and I woke up in the middle of the night and cos it was a dvd it'd gone back to the opening credits on repeat. And I was lying there, and I thought it was Monica and Rachel off of friends having a conversation. hahaha. Such a twat. KAPOW. :( gosh im such an emotional wreck. I like that ultraviolet stuff. It's glowy. I miss the long phone calls. I love long train journeys, they sort out my head. I always lose the ticket though. I like little stories. I also like happy endings. I want one. I havn't had a proper argument in ages. Anyone up for it? I'll win. BOOB LADY. The simpsons movie was hilarious. Got me a nickname there hahaha. I love nicknames. I have many: Frankie. Frank. Bug. Frankstarr. Francium. Boob Lady. Munchkin...

I have 3 scars on my left leg, right where I was going to get my tattoo. Honestly, it looks way better and didn't cost me a penny :) I don't like to be messed about. Clean cut. Don't put foundation in open wounds. Stings like a bitch. I've never fainted. I have insomnia. The night world is so much better. I get obsessed. Rather stalker like. Pah.

Tango & Two sponge cakes. That's what the piece of paper next to me says.. As much as I like these amazing days and nights with my friends, I think some time away would do me good. Things have to be looking up right, cos they really couldn't have gotten any worse. I love my form. Bunch of total legends. I like having money,. I like 20p coins. They're the best ones. I have a fake 5p. I'm never ever going to spend it. It's too cool. I can't find my ps1. I want to play on spyro. But it appears to be lost. I love it when Alex talks the stupidest shit. 'When I eat macdonalds at macdonalds I always feel full but when I eat macdonalds not at macdonalds I never feel full.' Pahaha. Steph is hilarious. :) Maths lessons are crap now without Natalie & Sophie. I have to do work now.. Instead of playing our fun games. Our sick sick games that made us almost throw up. Ha. Sometimes words sound so funny. Don't you think. KAPOW. That is making me upset now. Me & Lucy love pokemon. SEISMIC TOSS. Actually saturday night everyone singing along to the pokemon theme tune, ahh those were the days. I'll trade you a gyarados and a hitmonchan for your Alakazam. Something I still wish I hadn't done to this day. I missed alakazam. I can't do impressions, as much as I like to think I can, I really really can't. I love me and charli's prank calls to randoms. Helloooo. Also that night when some total random kept ringing me every four minutes. =/ For hours! Then found out the next day it'd been Charli. Ha.

Moving on is mighty tricky. I've tried to burn your picture. Still feel the same way. Quack. My hair is such a mess. Bed hair. Wahey. Phhh. I want to go back to the old times. When everything was simple and easy peasy. Now there's so much to know, you don't even know what you know and what you don't know. Inciteful eh. I have the attention span of a fly. I used to want to be everyone's friend. That was before people had complicated problems. Haha. I try to help my friends, warning though, I'm shit at advice. I also never have tissues when someone cries. And I NEVER have a pen when the phone rings. I love waving at randoms and seeing what theyre reaction is. I like dangly earrings. I do not like fish. They are eww. HAHA. My dad ordered a whole load of kippers ages ago, but they've got stuck in the mail cos of the postal strike. Paha. They're going to stiiiiiink when they finally arrive.. ew. Coconuts are ace. Cos you get to smash them up first. Which is always fun. I've always wanted Bernard's Watch. If you get me it I will love you forever. Ladybugs are the actual bollucks. I remember one time me and Izzy Howe made a ladybird farm after a football match. There was like fifty. Loud music makes me shaaaake. Love it. I always used to sing along to the cranberries at the top of my voice, and even though I'd have a sore throat for a week, it was worth it. I miss those days. I love winter. It's cold. I love the cold. I like being alone in the cold. The smell of winter. Christmas stuff. At night. I'm allergic to Christmas Trees and I love it. I ate omelette for the first time ever today. Have to say I was impressed. The funnest day ever was when me, Toby, Tom and Daz went to Macdonalds in Clapham and found the woman with the squeakiest voice ever. I met Nerina Pallot that day too, for the second time. Those sphinx cats are the scariest little buggers. Philosophy scares me. Not a fan of little children. Pain is only what you feel, and style is what you make it. Some people should take less pictures and live for the moment. I can't walk in heels. I can't walk in a straight line. I can't use scissors. At the zoo, when you lean in to look at something close up, I have a tendancy to whack my head on the glass - I'm awful at judging distances. Never want to ride a motorbike, but I'd love a car. A little one that goes fast. Aim high, shoot low. I need a better mousemat. Tralala. Talk to your ex, that you're still in love with, about their love life. Because you'll talk about anything just to talk to them. I miss you. Sunsets at my pond. Which I found myself. Bikerides. Alone. Come with me? Love's messed up man, I just don't understand. Funniest nights at Gill's. Lifelong friend. Amazing girl. Love her dearly. Diving off the bed. 9+4=13!!!! pahaha. 4 hour long phone calls. Eating confetti. "I'm making you a message, and... HAHAHA youve just fallen down the stairs". drunken nights. hyper nights. sad phonecalls. hilarious phone calls. private jokes.

going to have a rant now. because I think it's time. ARGH. jesus man. Funny songs are making me cry. Just because of who sent me them. Surely it can't be fair to be fucked around like this. Sharp plastic gives me the shivers. Fucks sake. Swear it isn't meant to be this hard. Don't know how much longer I can stick it. BEEP BEEP BEEP, we are the mother fucking sheep. UGH. that feeling in your tummy when you're nervous but so excited. I'm not so much angry. Just feel replaced. Feel upset. Bugs Bunny was a total dickhead. I hated him. Still do. I like science lessons. Those kids are amazing. We do have fun :) Support can be so freaking patronising. Those twats that are supposed to help me make me cry. I'll talk about things when I want to, with who I want to. I love it when you can't stop smiling. Someone make me feel like that again?

I hate the sugababes. Bunch of fakes. As are a lot of people I know. I love 90s music. Ravey shit which makes no sense. And pianos. Pianos are exsquisite. Perfect. I want a dusty grand piano. Buy me one? Yesh please. Gosh. I do miss her. I prefer videos to dvds. Dvds are gay. We Get On. My new favourite song. Plans. Gotta have plans. Personality. Don't believe in it. You just choose who you want to be when you wake up each morning. I have met the devil child. So has Aphra. Hint hint, I see her every thursday. Rain. It's the best weather. I like storms. Like the ones where trees fall down. With lightening and thunder and lots of gale force winds and blinding rain.

Dreams are funny. Adventures. Love them. Worrier - That's me. Clothes shopping :) We don't have an answer machine. Simply because a few years ago I was playing around with it and managed to re-record the message as the spice girls singing 'Wannabe', and then we couldn't get it back to the normal message. So we got rid of it haha. I used to be scared of telephones. Now, not so much. People can change. I've never seen james bond. I cannot cook. Trust me on that one. Can't dance either. Love to laugh. Empty books which need filling up. With writing or drawings or poems. Or anything. Beer mats are cool. I can still fit into my size 4 ballet points even though I'm a six now. If you want to see, just ask haha. It's amusing. The only reason I did swimming when I was little was because the goggles were so cool. I want to go back to the hospital. The bed I had there was soo cool. I folded myself up in it. And it broke. HAha. Still got a hole in my hand where the drip was. Perfectionist. Bleughhh, metal snapping has creeped me out for years, ever since I snapped a fork in half. You only live once mate. Risks are there for taking. Who cares if you end up down the nick, it'll be worth it :) Got a mental list of stuff I want to do. Ticking them off one by one. I'm in a party mood, who's up for it? 'MY SON IS A TREE' favourite quote ever ever ever. Lack of concentration. Evenings. Conversations. This is where the drama happens chick. SHUT YA MUM. pahaha. Clumsy. Queen of falling over and making an arse of myself. Turn your speakers up. It's better that way. It's how we operate. Wish I could walk on my hands. See the world upside down. Bet it looks way better. I still have her bracelet. That bracelet's been bloodstained. :( I'll give it back one day, I just don't want to. I wish I could be someone who wears a lot of rings, but my fingers get claustrophobic. It's my fucking life. Let me live it?

Remember the days when going out on your bike was the best. I had a little red one. Bright pink nails. Gothic Metal Opera, the wife has introduced me. Nerina Pallot is one hell of a woman. She knows me. She knows what I'm going through. Amazing amazing person. I'm the cheeky one. The one that can't wait till doors open so runs around trying to find a different way in. Then the manager turns up and tells off the security for not doing their job properly haha. Screaming teenage girls, quite possibly the most annoying thing in the world. PING, the noise the microwave makes :) Scott Mills makes me laugh. Big fan of the childish humour. Regina Spektor is on my wavelength and Kate Nash is an amazing lyricist. Ruth's Song was quite a song. Even if I do say so myself haha. It just meant a lot you know. Played it in Windsor. Went down brilliantly. Was so scared, but it was fine. Ruth is a best friend, times a million. I remember when we had a cleaner. She stole the tweenies toys. Now Bella sits all alone on the shelf. I miss Jake, he was the best one :( The brownies drew all over my arms in felt tip. It's quite cool actually. May have to take une photograph. Love taking pictures. Love my camera. Love taking it apart and putting it back together again, with my little screwdriver. Always got a lot of questions. I've tried to teach Charli to whistle, it's impossible. Stephanie looks after us all :) Utter Legend. Caring, Sweet, Funny, AMAZING GIRL. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this girl really does mean so much to me. Freakin little lifesaver she is. :) & then there's Ray who is just Ray. :) I'm her whiskey drinking, child hating future next door neighbour :P haha. You'd think I'd learn not to be so nosey, but hey. Have jealousy issues. Big time. And I am not an attention seeker. You can fuck right off. If I had it my way nothing would've been made a deal out of. You've got to learn who to tell and who not to. I'm messed up okay, I've learnt to accept it, why can't you. Because you know what hurts more than anything, is being wrongly judged. Judgement I fear, but wrong judgement is just the worst. Just don't yeah. I am who I am and I've changed too much already to try and fit in, which works about as well as Tony Blair did as prime minister. But you know what, rant over, bored of that. I like to write. Like to write out my thoughts, sorts out my head a little, stops it being so crowded. Still haven't found my ps1. :( Someone give me your old one? Mirrors are funny. So don't understand them, but they're funny. Aparently I am the topic of many a conversation, how intriguing and I'd like to thank you all for making me centre of attention when I really couldn't care less and actually want to be left the fuck alone, but thanks all the same. Wouldn't mind a pet octopus, they seem quiet. Actually no, they're all sucky. Like starfish.. eulaaghch. Wouldn't mind taking up boxing. Or something fun like that. :) Anyone want to go on holiday? I'm in the mood for some sun. Sun, sea and SAMBUCA :) My phone message capacity is always full. I don't like deleting the messages haha. My neck's all swollen. Rub some salt in it, as I like to say. Would love to have a quote up on a wall somewhere someday. That's a dream and a half. Love chunky necklaces. Gigglers do make me laugh. Wait wait, but some people are just too happy. Still don't understand how clicking your fingers makes a noise. Anyone care to explain? Life changing events. Paper thin. Burning paper, crumbling. Never noticed that there was a radiator in here before. That's weird. The other day my two least favourite people in the entire world were on the same tv show. Bruce Forsyth & Rod Stewart. I truely, truely hate them both. It's the irrational hatred thing I mentioned. Cat's cradle with your mates when you've only got necklaces to play it with. Fun times. Picky. Picky picky picky. I know for a fact that some people hate me. See that would've bothered me once upon a time, and now, yeah it's not ideal, but to be honest, I really don't care. Blow someone a cough, hahaha. Comeback queen. Nothing wrong with expressing your opinions, everyones entitled to one. Just more of a talk about it person, gets things out into the blue you know. HELLO. Wanting to fly in a hurricane. Wires. Sandpaper. WOW, cos I couldn't say meow when I was iddle. Just me, or is it slightly unfair? God knows. November the 17th, I decided haha, new birthday. Except I don't want to be 35, I'm just going to stay 34 for a while :) Baggy jumpers and incites into the real world. Futuristic - Majestic. ;) haha. Vimto kicked arse. Old magazines, old gossip, old news. Look at things from someone else's point of view. Being concious is overrated. Check those coma kids, those poor little coma kids, at least they don't have to deal with all the shit. They can just rest. Breathe, 7, 11. Then hold an icecube in your hand untill it melts. The olive tree, get the smokies. Only fish I will ever eat. But it's sooo good. Logs for the fire, and holly with berries on. Damn I love Christmas. Blatently passing notes and reading magazines inside your english book. I'd rather be blind than deaf. Wouldn't be able to handle the eternal silence. ... 8) <3>

Cheer me up chicken, I'm having a bad day. And somedays I wish Beth didn't live so far away. Cardboard cut outs. Wish I could drive, I'd be in Idaho. I also hear that it's mighty pretty. Someone I knew only as a heroine, I now regard as someone who cares about me and my safety, almost a friend. She knows me. Purple pens. Love to write in purple.

We made a fire today :) I kindled it. Ha. Sometimes things really lighten up when you take a step back and really look at the situation. Paha. Don't make me laugh, it hurts haha. Wires. Bending coat hangers into perculiar shapes. Found out that I pulled a muscle in my neck, didn't even know that was possible. Actually in a much better mood today. The girlies cheered me up. Chinese then for a coffee. I have so many more friends than I knew. And I'm easy to talk to. Phone credit, forever running out of it. Always totally forget how long I've been on the phone for and manage to run up massive bills. Guitar chords, and tabs that you can properly play. Got to practice them over and over again though, get them just perfect. Mixed signals. Well happy now. Just hoping that it's what you wanted for me to get over you. Surprising how I've done it. :) Proud of myself. Still love you so much as a friend though. Just hoping we can go back to the amazing friendship we had, before love fucked things up. Because we had so much fun :) I don't want it to go beyond that anymore. Loving it as we are. And I will find someone else. Because. Just because. Life has to work out that way. Eeeek. :D Haven't eeked in a while. Thank fuck.

***

Ugh. Fucks sake. I lied. I didn't know I was lying but I did. And she's so right. I don't want to let go. I don't think I'll ever want to let go. But tomorrow will be another deafening music, windows down experience. And I guess we'll just see what happens. But I miss you. I guess I always will.

MAJESTIC WINE BARRRR. funtimes. :) Love those journeys where you type the wrong place into the tom tom and get really lost!! And the times when you know you really shouldn't laugh but you can't help it. And times when you're trying to concentrate but a certain someone puts you off by shouting 'BOOBS!' or 'MUSICAL STATUES!!!' Haha. Football games that you know you can't win but you play yourself into the ground anyway. HEADBUMPS. Ouchy. Those cheeky smiles. Letters that you read over and over again before you send just to check they're perfect. Not that it matters. Waiting. Waiting for a reply. Waiting for a decision. Waiting for stability. Waiting for you. I am forever waiting for you. But I can wait. Impatient but got a whole lot of stamina.

Hate being a yappy dog haha. But I suppose that's what I have become. Private picnics in the park, all you really need is fags and Dr Pepper. Such fun. And today I stole a 'Danger of Death' sign. I actually love it. Right now, I'm not so unhappy. I'm actually okay. One on one time. HICCUPS. Which is actually spelt hiccoughs, but thats just gay. Hiccups ruuule. Song that you play over and over again. Songs you've not listened to in a while because they're attached to painful memories. But listen to them. You'll be okay. Guitar lessons over the phone. Ha. Anybody want one? Birds, got it mastered. Proud. Making people smile. It's ace. Today I got that lump in your throat feeling when your heart pounds and you breathe fast. It was a combination of who I was writing to, and the song I was listening to. I didn't want that feeling really. Not right now anyway. Photographs, of the old days. I like them. Pretty words. :)

Turpentine & Wine. Paha. Rhyming words. I have rhyming days where everything I say comes out rhymey. I'm just so cool like that. Days when you just can't be bothered to correct your spelling. There is one thing that I really do want right now, and that is for her to write back. Properly. With the truth. Like to get inside people's minds. When they're unhappy. See what they're thinking. LAUGH. Laugh when you end up in the middle of a field of cabbages instead of at a football pitch. Laugh when you're twenty minutes away and the game started 8 minutes ago. I miss having such close friendships. But I'll be okay. Just write back yeah. I'm itching to hear what you have to say. Chopsticks, waaaaay too complicated, knife and fork anyday mate. Or a Fork'n Knife if you're cool hahaha. HAHAHAHA. Get your cheesy grin out. Do your hair specially for photos. Have a hug. And wave hello and goodbye. And smile :)

Chicken burgers :) Funny funny shit. Getting so so lost at birchwood. Was 15 minutes late for football cos I got lost in the technology department.. Hah. But then Danielle found me, it was all good. Such laughs. Seriously my football team are amazing. Not at football, haha, but at cheering me up. Hannah can't walk in my glasses. WATER FIGHTS!! Remind me of the old times. Like that time me, Iz and Anna tipped a whole bottle of water over Marks head. :) Paha. Still playing this retarded game. Steph has got me actually addicted. But I'm on the last level now. I nearly cried yesterday when they asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told the truth though, bit my lip. I think it must actually have dents in now, seeing how muuch I bite my lip these days. REBOUND, into outter space. All those poor little lyrics which never get to be sung. Blinking along in time to the music. Thinking. Thoughts. They change, they develop. And there's always a reason for a decision, whether it's right or wrong, you really ought to stick to it. But I like to bend the rules a little, and so should everyone. No good being caged up all the time, rules restrict you. I don't like airports. Going to one of sunday. I prefer train stations. Might go to one of them on saturday. I'd ask if anyone wants to come with me on one of my adventures, but I do quite like them being just me. If you're you though, you can come, you're always welcome. And I know you know who you are. I know you're reading along.. :) Last night was all blustery and rainy, just how I like it. Can't wait until it snows. There's just something really magical about snow. Snowmen. Footprints. My shoes let water in, my toes freeze off but it's just what Christmas is all about. Those hyperactive days when you cannot stop laughing. Even if things aren't funny. Remember when I wanted to be the Prime Minister or go into politics. It's fight or flight baby, should I stay or should I go? Meetings where all you really want to do is go to sleep. A place you know so well, but where nobody knows you. Land on your head every once in a while. Who cares if you lose some brain cells, they're going to die anyway. Intrigued by the fact that somehow I appear to have acquired a new television channel, called 'Dave'. Very strange. Posh sentences. Fake smiles. FAKE A SMILE, get your way. Wear a happy shirt with rainbows on. You won't feel any better but people will think you're happy. People who can tell when you're crying inside are ones to hang onto. Gossip sessions on the tyre swing in the park. Confessions and hilarity. Lately I seem to be forever forgetting the right word to use. Fall into the pit, tumble. Tumbledryers, fun until you spot your phone in there alongside your jeans. Plastic & Elastic. Crack your fingers, piss Lucy off :) Humph. Getting me in a bad mood now. Level 20 of this game is an actual bitch. But yeah. Keep your head up, tell it straight. Never beat about the bush. Keyboard. Would love one. Only if you can't afford to buy me a dusty grand piano though, still pining for one of them. :) Sometimes it feels I may be writing to myself. Sometimes it feels as if I am just writing. Sometimes it feels as if I'm writing to you, or maybe for you. I'm still waiting on you. Pester people, badger until you get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Strange how they christen you before you can even talk, even speak your mind. What if I wanted to be a buddhist. Or something cooler. You never do get what you deserve though. Blah. Keep talking, keep talking, occupy your mind. Keep thinking. Blank mind = dull life. And I'm one for excitement chick. Thinking of starting my own cult. The future is so bloody definate, why doesn't everyone just lighten up, live for the moment. It's all about here and now, get your compass out. Find which direction you're heading in. Carve innitials into a tree. Because that's fun. Don't look back unless you can't help it. I'm a look backer, reflect on the past sort of person. FINISHED the game :) Now I can go to bed. Like to get things done and dusted. Feather dusters, weren't they ace. Just like pillow fights.

I think it's funny how you can change your mind. Sometimes I think I'll be okay without you. Sometimes I really don't know what I'll do. My pond that I found, me and you, it could be amazing on a cold winter's evening. Got my hair cut today. It smells nice. In need of new straighteners. Devil child wasn't there today, thank the lord. Moral highground. Sausage sandwiches at John Lewis in Welwyn, gimme one :) Memorable words to treasure and abide by, stuck on my bedroom wall. Not to care about what people think of the music you like, just 'put the needle on the record' as Nerina Pallot said. Give me a little space, just to think; a time out card. Aren't pigs cute. I want one, called Nimph. Or a fairy with little wings called Merlie. Say something funny. What's in a name? Boxes on walls. Stapleguns. BANG BANG BANG. Toast makes me want to actually throw up. How can you eat it at all, let alone in the mornings?! Errlack. And peanut butter is something I will never eat ever again. Not even if you pay me. Actually, it depends how much you'll pay me :) I remember the time in year two when I'd done all the work and there was nothing to give me for homework, so Miss Turner made me count to one thousand. And I did it. Toy farms, with cross-eyed cows. Browns kindof boring don't you think. I want blue hair. It's too short now. I miss the longness. Had the funniest dream last night. Went crab-fishing. And I caught like the hugest crab ever. Scared me maaaan. Yeah I have weird dreams when I manage to get to sleep. Also dreamt about something sad.. Thinking of listening to some Christmas songs. Even though it is only October. I feel Christmassy. Clowns are scary, I'm telling you. Chickpea, a new term of endearment. Nevermind. Think I lost that magazine I was supposed to photocopy. I lose everything. I think I'm losing my mind. Sometimes it feels like I've gone past my time. Like you have a use-by date and mine's gone. And things are just going to go downhill now because I'm not supposed to be here. It's like for some reason I've cheated fate. You never know. Strawberry cheesecake, and I feel quite ill. Fussy eater. Needing to talk to someone, anyone actually. Me and my 'bad moods'. They aren't me being a moody cow, they're me being the depressed fuck up that I am. Am I not allowed to be myself ever? I really think I might go on an adventure tomorrow, instead of on Saturday. Not in the mood to go out, fake smile my way through the day, then put buckets of makeup on, pretend to be 18 and get mildly pissed. Ugh. London here I come, methinks. Just wish I had a reason to go. Might go up there and do some art or something. Reflections is it, we're supposed to be studying? Pah I don't even know. Looking into the eyes of failure. They are ugly ugly eyes. Really really unhappy today. I miss you. And it's other stuff too. HAHAHAHA. Just got off the phone to the funniest person in the world. I do love you Gillian. She made me roll around on the floor laughing, and I made her choke from laughing. Ahhh dear. What it means to have friends like mine :)

Hey monkey. Today was actually mighty fine. I went on an adventure, not the best but it was pretty ace. London baby. Bought me some vodders. Drunk a lot. Now I have the hiccups. Cold cold cold. I love my friends. They walk me almost home. I have fun. Aventuring then go out. Run fast sugarcane. Jump, baby. Smile manically. Wait for the page to load, Turn the page. Turn over a new leaf. Hold it back, hold back the tears. Confess and listen. Wait outside the pub. Think about how much it'll hurt in the morning, and when the lift stops between floors, then you can freak out. Life experience, full of it. Painkillers are for babies. Because you don't have to feel the pain. Only if you lower yourself to that level will you feel the pain. Just like time, it doesn't really exist. AOK sausage. Expectations. Still hiccuping. (Gosh, my drunk writing is a pain to read.) Have a sing song. Early morning drunk phone conversations, keep watching the television. Pierce yourself. Make holes in your skin. Keep looking. Retain your presence. Follow the diversion, wander through parks, find an offlicence :)

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. I have been denying myself the ability to feel it all morning but my ear is on fire. Anger last night caused me to pierce my ear in several places. Looks quite good actually. Hurts like a bitch though. Charli says it'll get infected. Charli also says I should take one of them out cos it's wonky but I like having six piercings. My new hair looked okay last night. It's weirdly short; still unsure. Glue your words into your art book. Listen to a properly recorded version of a song. Live stuff's only good if you were there. Bitterness. Try something new. Not wanting to go on family holidays. Really, really not wanting to go. Needing to cry but feeling unable to. Needing some way to inflict the pain, seeing as other methods have been banned. Idiots who think they understand. Traditions. Portugal, my home. I'll return there when I can. There's just something about Lisbon. It's indescribable. Beautiful. I'm learning my portuguese slowly but surely so I can be fluent when I go live there. Pertenço em Lisboa. No será largo. Reciepts you kept for a very strange reason. Receipts you don't even want to look at. Play games, share secrets, run. Light up when you're lonely. Get a hug from someone you actually want one from. Anyone else feeling in need of a hug right now?

***

I'm glad we talked, you know. I'm glad we can be friends. We make such good friends. I miss you too. But we'll be okay. Chilling chords, accompanying you, but I'll be okay, I promised you. I'm thinking. But I'm smiling. Because I haven't lost you completely - far from it. Thing's will be okay. Because we never fell out until things became more than a friendship. Fate. If it's meant to be... I'm glad we can talk now. I'm okay.

And Then I Gave It Some Time.

Ohh funny shit. Do you really need 3 sheets of paper? I guess not. DO YOU WANT 20?! haha. I think we're up to four lots of crying so far today and I can feel it increasing. All this anger I take out on everyone, everyone but you. I can't be angry at you. I don't get why. I should be; you mess me about so much. Back massages and teaching me how to box, but you have a girlfriend, so what am I supposed to do? Joelie, it's fucking Joelie again, on my mind. Stop thinking, just STOP THINKING. Yawn, tiredness is taking me over, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open, although I long to go back to dreaming. And I'm bored of Herts&Tarts. Wondering whether if I went to Whores on the Hill you'd realise. Oh stop it, Just Shut up. Cement Mixers, spinning around and around. Aching to play Mr Acoustic, polish up this new tune. I rather like it. The lyrics are good at least. Oh why is it everytime I see you I fall back? It's because you're just irresistible, and I don't know why I'm even thinking. Need une cigarette, take my mind off shizz. BAM! Things have been pretty crazy lately. Don't really know quite what's going on but I'm still on my feet for the moment. For the minute, for the time being..

***

I haven't properly spoken to them yet. I really ought to after all my outbursts over the weekend. I meant every word though, I always do. I get pissed off easily, especially with them. Gosh, I really should talk to them. Aha. It's just the laughs with them are nothing compared to some I've had. Oh god. Ruth's birthday in the form room on Friday was simply amaze. Hi, Mike Oxlong, Nice To Meet You. "Oh Frankie, stop, you're killing me" Eesh I love Daisy. She's such a funny one. It was a good laugh though actually, us and our stupid childish humour. That's the coolness of the forest crew though mate :) Believe it was.. Rufy, Dais, Ab, Rianna, Aphra, Katharine, Fran, Rachie, Charleyy and Meee. Was actually hilarious. "Ivor Longen" PAHA. "Mike Hock just seems to pop up everywhere I go!!" Damn Rufy I do love you. What funny times. See this is why I don't want to leave you guys. You make me laugh until I cry. I will miss you all like my hearts been stolen. But we'll get to that when we do. Lets just treasure the good times we have yeah. And for gods sake, don't let teachers get in the way. I will not be told I am too over reactive and too happy, as it is hardly something I can control is it? And I will not be told I am a liar. I just won't take it. Okay you can think that, it's your opinion, but you tell me that unwanted opinion I'll bite your head off. And, a word of advice, 'You're the one being horrible' is hardly the most sophisticated comeback for a 30-something year old. Alright? It just made me laugh. Oh. Someone asked me something last week, which I don't think I'd actually been asked. She asked if I still felt like.. you know. I only told her the truth because I honestly believe she is one of the few people you meet in life who you can properly trust. Plus that sort of feeling hardly goes away in the blink of an eye does it. Corr. I am eating pumpkin seeds. They're really good, you ought to give them a try. Eating them like a cat laps up milk. And good lord I am listening to the scariest song in the world. I think I might have to change it. But I've vowed I will listen to it all the way through, increase my bravery and all that. But it has a scary little voice. Sounds like some sort of subliminal message. Which totally reminds me how much I need to talk to those 'friends' of mine. Sort it all out. Because I don't really think they get it. Not that I do but yeah. Oh you know what I actually hate. People who say they know how you feel. BECAUSE THEY DON'T ALRIGHT?! GOD. Just face the fact that you don't know how I'm feeling and you never will. Because you aren't me. Okay, you might be a little tired, but you aren't an insomniac which issues. Ugh. And so they investigating me once again. They've made a stupid decision which I do not agree with, but let's not forget, I don't get to decide what happens in my life anymore. Of course. Because I'm so fucked up what I say means nothing. I can have no opinions, no ideas, no control whatsoever. Fucks sake. Give me a little independence back will you? Oh and I started writing poetry again. Not sure whether this is good or bad. Most probably not such a good thing but hey. Retiring for the night. Yeahh.

Dirty old doctor's waiting rooms. The awful, awful music, the reason ipods were invented. I remember the first time we saw the doctor after I got out of hospital., my mum said the whole time she'd just wished she was back here listening to this music, because it'd mean nothing had ever happened. I said I wouldn't wish that on anyone, because this music is pure shite. Orchestral versions of Unchained Melody, and all that other worse-than-classic-fm crap. Enough to make you die of boredom if you ask me. Good thing there's a funeral directors next door eh? Unfortunately I have indeed slipped as is has been suspected. I do now spend the mornings cleaning up my wrist. And you know what? It isn't even about her this time. I have my reasons, Everyone does. A laugh now and again, a smile once in a while. Just follow your heart, that's what they all say. Pity they're condescending, if I'm broken, it's only because I followed my heart. Why the hell is the sun shining? It's November. Where's all the rain and storminess? And that torturous icy wind. I'm longing for my pond, my thinking place. I've decided I'm quite glad I never took her there; it's still completely private. Mine. Oh fuck off. Do stuff while you're young and able. Just check out old people's shoes and you'll see what I mean. Heels and handbags. Great nights out while you still can. Live it up. But like what's this all about. Good Fucking God. I'm stressed out. For fucks sake, why am I getting the blame for all this shit I can't control. Today I got shouted at for being too happy. Pisses me off. I like to laugh, and I don't much so it's good when it's there y'know. But argh. That's one way to sober me up from all the high moods though I guess. Just depress me yeah. Sounds like a plan. Gah. What a fucking joke. 'It seems you seem to be swinging from extremes..' Yeah well done love, you know what that's called, Bipolar Disorder, and yes well done I have indeed been diagnosed with it so fuck right off. NEED to de-stress. And all those fucking methods don't work for shit. And I still need to talk to them. Because they're also adding to my stress. Sat under the bridge for a little while today. Needed a couple of hours really. To just sort my head out. There were two ducks. :( Lampshades. No stars tonight. I could do with a couple of months to just sleep, like regenerate. Like Doctor Who :) But cooler. HA. Just saw an ad for a vibrator on channel 4.. Didn't know they were allowed to advertise that sort of shizz. How funny. Oh, I remembered why I'm a Ladybug. Like the proper reason haha. It's because they're red and black. And like, green is the best colour, but red and black are the best colours together. Pretty kinky dontcha think? Haha. But seriously, red and black together it's almost perfect. I wonder if there are other colours that we just haven't come across yet.. Hmm. It's just like how I always wonder if there are other music notes that we can't hear. Philosophic. Yeahh. Love to freak people out with complex philosophy. Oh yes, and found out today, officially, that I do not possess a memory haha, and I just work things out by lucky guesses. My maths tutor told me that haha, think she is probably right. Which is weird, because usually I'm not so lucky. Ew. Dead people on the telly. He looks pretty uncomfortable. Not surprising seeing as a dude in scrubs is disecting him but wearing a cowboy hat. What am I watching? They really are running out of stuff to make documentaries about now. ERRRRRLACK. This dead man's insides are yeeeeuk. Looks like fish. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and the man I thought was made of plastic just walked over to the other side of the set, how funny, why is he wearing no clothes? Deary me. I shouldn't be laughing at this. That displays my scarily strange sense of humour. THAT IS NOT REAL BLOOD. I'm switching back to greys anatomy. Gah. My head hurts.

Depression's a bitch. In desperate need of some time by myself. Just thinking time. Panicking quite a lot. Someone calm me down, just take my hand and calm me down. I get why they say an arm and a leg now. It's matching. Floating ladders. Friends who you can't stand to be friends with for much longer. What's better, drifting away, or get it over and done with? Not sure how I've got through 8 full days. I don't want to be there at all. All I really want to do is sleep, but seeing as that isn't possible... Mocks in a week or so. Not looking forward to them. I'm told to just go in and do what I can. Hah. They say they're impressed I sat through that test today without breaking down. I said they should take a look at the test... I doubt if I've got more than 10% of it right. It's not that I can't do it, because I can. I just, I just can't. Not at the moment anyway. Searching for a ladder to the clouds really. More than anything. It's a pointless being, a pointless existence what I experience. There is no point. Not really. You live. You die. WOAH HOLD ME BACK. No. It's just a matter of time. You only get so long. So what's the point. Also don't get why people stress so much about the environment. It's like, yeah so what, the world's going to end one day anyway, but it's not going to be in my lifetime so do I actually give a damn? And like apparently Dr Pepper has something in it which could increase your risk of getting cancer. Sorry but hello. One in three of us'll get it anyway so why bother to stop smoking or not drink dr pepper. What a joke. Might as well make yourself happy while you're still around. Spider Webs glistening in the morning light. Dew on the grass, tiny tiny shoes soaking up the water. Primary school was full of good times. Like my biggest problem then was making sure my writing was neat. Now it's all life issues and shit. And that was only 5 years back. How does it all change so much in such a short while. I'm muddling through somehow. Mike Hunt - Haha, Annabel made that one up. Seriously wasn't as funny as some of mine the other day, but it was a good'n. Clocks which strike 13. Playing hangman in History, because it's the only way to pass the time. Bored Brainless. 'LET ME OUT' Feeling trapped. Enclosed in this well of emptiness. Stress outs. Lost all hope really. If I tell the truth. But life's too short to lie really isn't it.

Oh you really have no idea how much I miss you. I want you back. I only ever want you. How did any of this happen? How did I lose you? I miss you more than I knew was possible. And how many times have I broken down to this song? It's like some kind of ritual. So many songs telling my story. People ask why I don't want to be here. And besides the obvious, I don't have a reason to stay. Fuck it, I miss you. Feels like I can't do any of this without you. Songs carry so many memories it's unbelievable. I don't want to anymore. I can't, it's too hard.

End of the week. That's 10 days under my belt. Oh what fantastic news, another diagnosis, another thing wrong with me. Beginning to question if anything is actually right with me.. Frozen. Cold as ice. But it's all hot hot hot now, girls over, raving it up. Don't tell me to quit smoking, I do not want to thank you very much. Trips to Tesco in the dark, Sad films and marshmallows. ROCK back, break the sofa. Ha. Blind Steph with the camera flash. Hot chocolate. Melted chocolate =D . Fake a smile for a few hours. Don't worry, because soon it'll be morning and you can go back to being you again. Funny photographs. Secret sharing. What friends are for.

Today, my friend, was one hell of a day. And I'm forever saying it, but I really do have so many friends. Friends who you can just bump into and hang out with. What's white and makes the sky flash purple? Mannn I love Lauren. Funny how friendships can never really mean anything until they do. Then they mean a hell of a lot. And how people you've never like properly spoken to invite you round their house and become a close friend in a day. Tug did 50 rolypolys in a pile of leaves. For a fag. I gave her another one though cos I'm nice and it looked like she was about to die. The strangest things make you realise who your real friends are. It's conversations you hear like, we should let her be part of us. They just warm you up. We are the ones that everyone likes but no one loves. But we love each other so all is well. 'Frankie, seeing as you are the apprentice, go fetch me another glass of red wine?' I love Liv's mum already. Subtlety is a virtue. Sitting in someone else's bedroom with a guitar, a pen, paper and a laptop. Song writing. Was so much fun. Being noticed. :) I like them. They make me smile. And for once, my mind was taken off everything that is wrong. So yeah. You guys rock my world.

Words you think up just to use in a sentence. Find a foreign person. And slip made up words into the sentence so they get confused. Musical Moods - Music Room Memories. Ohdear. Someone's falling. Crap. James, that was a year ago. And I don't want reminiscing to turn into anything. Although. Whatever. And then there's her. She is amazing. I said it was stupid but I do really like her and the distance, it doesn't have to be such a issue. She says I'm so beautiful. She's blind but I well like her. Not sure if it's like rebound or whatever. But I do like her. One day I'll get on a train and come see you. I'll keep that promise. Oh god, I won't lie. I missed you today. I told you that the team missed you, but really, just I missed you. But I'm quite glad you weren't there. Because it seems that every time I see you I fall back. Back three steps of the two I've taken. Thought I was going to cry today. Couldn't listen to my ipod for the whole journey. Still feel teary. Someday I'll sit down and write for hours like I used to. I don't know where the motivations gone. It felt as if I had to deny myself the joy of being able to write. I cut my fingertips. That was agony. Still is. Remind me not to do that again. Hurts more than it's worth. I think I might go back to my story tonight. It takes me away a little. Usually I'd go for my guitar but I only seem to be able to write love songs. And beautiful little riffs which make me think of you. Hunched over. Need to get back up again. Joe Purdy is my new hero. And loving Biffy Clyro too. But, none are a match to dearest Nerina. :) She will never be beaten. That would be impossible. Bethany really cheered me up on Thursday, it was great to see her again. She gives me hugs when times are bad. She cracks me up. She's a proper little character. Wish I could live my life through her. But I can't. Because you can't do that , so why even wish. Losing hope really. Breathing becomes more difficult with each passing day.

11 days. And I'm on the brink of breaking down. I've realised how much I like stealing glances at what you know is off-limits. Walk on a knife's edge. It's better that way. The city keeps on going. Which is why I should move to the city. Where it's busy and you can be your own person. I need a break at least. Even if it's just an adventure. I'm going so far out of my mind. Lyrics are echoing around my head. Always wishing I'd spent more time wandering the halls before finally entering the rooms which fill me with such despair. Caving in with exhaustion really. Mocks are almost upon me and I'm breaking down. Not a good combination apparently. I lied to my 'friends' on Saturday. At lunch. Just couldn't be bothered to get stick for the truth. Seriously not up for school tomorrow, well today, the time being half past nothing. It's why I like midnight. Because it's nothing. 00:00. nothing. 6 and a half hours till I've got to be up again. And I'm not going yet. Not nearly. Always alone these days. Alone but crowded. Need space. Time out. And some things are gone. It's just the acceptance of that fact that hangs around like a bad smell. And good god. Talking of bad smells, get a wash will you? Jesus. In an awful mood. Negative negative thoughts. Bored of this. I am. And misjudged. Misunderstood. Man.

Day 12. And still on my feet. I made badges today - way cool. I thought about making you one. Then thought against it. It's over the top, just a little. Floppy Disks, things of the past now. New photos, I like photos. Old podcasts. Thinking. Do a Catherine, yeah. Sounds like a plan. Ah. Fucked me off. Mainly just because you lied. Ah I hate liars. I can spot liars from afar because I am one. I lied today. Again. Letters. Funny hugs. To do lists. BINGO. Spread the love. Oh Oh OHHH. Flow Diagrams, and now everyone's got it. Haha. That's called far too close a relationship. Haha. Fall off your chair. Laugh until you cry, and check whether your ICT teacher has epilepsy. 'Is it something I can help with?' Yes of course, do you have the let's backtrack three years pill? No? What about the make me undepressed tablet? No? Ohhh well what a shame you can't help me. Piss off. Spin on your chair. Weeeeee. Ahh go away mate. Out of my face. Now. GIVE LIP. Haha earned myself a new nickname there :) GIVE LIP & SOUR. We've gone from me stealing her mini cheddars in primary school to flicking paint at each other in year 11. Gosh. Mini cheddars are stupidly small. I give up becomes Never give up but I don't want that. I'm too tired. To do anything anymore.

Bish Bash Bosh. Day 13. How on earth did I make it through today. Some effort that took. Get lost, I like gossiping with Romy in Latin. Truly. I like writing about snow. And it's nice when what you thought was crap turns out not to be so bad. That's nice that is. Aha. Other people's gossip is just so much more interesting that your own. I'm a nosey bitch and proud of it. I just like to be in the know. And gasp when I find things out. Because that is just like WOW. Rather amusing but Oh my god. So didn't see that coming. Glad I'm in the know though. Gawwwd. What you write depends on the surroundings, your mood, and what you can hear. What music you're listening to. This one makes me sad. And I think negatively. I do all the time though really, which explains the soundtrack of my head. I wrote a couple of paragraphs of my story this evening. It's not coming along so well, on page 21, and I know what I want to happen, it's just the in between parts which bore me. Constant feelings which never leave you. Such as exhaustion. It's become part of me. I don't know any longer what life is without exhaustion. I'd love to wake up in the mornings and have energy. Romy is the best, a right good friend. She gave me her putty rubber as a stress ball. I actually love her. It's supposed to replace the cutting. It's good. Good stress relief. Still thought about it earlier but I just had my stress ball instead. I want a great big one. You can't blame me for wanting to show off the only thing I can do. I may as well make the most of it. Writing. I love it. And I can do it. It just comes naturally. Descriptive. Emotive. Empathy. It's easy to jump into someone else's shoes. Especially if you keep yours on as well. Because then you can put yourself properly in the situation, in the mindset. Shopping trips coming up, London adventures with Charli, my favourite :) Charli will be sixteen in less than a month. 16. The age that brings the first proper independence. Ahh. I want to be 16. Still got a long way to go though. Only physically. Mentally I turned 16 a long time ago. Time. See it makes no sense. A long way back. Life should be measured in distance, because at least that is definite and you can see it. Time is just a myth, a lie. SCREAM. Let some of the pain out at least. Oh. Aching for a little hope..

One purple hand, one pale one. It's holding it's breath you see. What a stressful day. I laid in a field in the dark and cold and cried. Mascara pouring down my face. The police came to find me, took me home in their police car. Still sobbing. I miss you. Have you ever loved someone so much you want to die? It's awful. And don't say I didn't love her because I did. I still do. I'd take her back, if I had the chance. And maybe if I was a little less screwed up. I don't like lying to Romy. Oh for fucks sake. I am actually fuming. Fuming and crying simultaneously. Don't turn the lights out. There's a clock ticking somewhere. Jeez. Wasn't expecting that kick in the ribs. My god. I cannot believe it. Little Ruth, the gorgeous one with the blonde curly hair, the one I played piano with at my Great-grandad's 90th 8 years ago, and did magic tricks with 10 years ago at my Grandparent's 40th wedding anniversary. Seriously depression is a bitch. I want the old Ruth back. We had so much fun the Christmas before last. And now we're the same. Screw-ups. Damn it. I'm sad now. Surround me, stab me, freeze me to death. Headlock. Kick a bastard in the balls. And then there's other Ruth. Rufy. The angel. She's the best. I hate to see her sad. But everyone seems to have so many problems these days. I can't keep up. It's exhausting dealing with my own let alone everyone else's. I'm too tired. Worn out. Needing my sofa. And some Grey's anatomy, so that I can forget about my problems and just sink into Meredith's. Meredith & Christina friday night? Chinese yes yes?!! Please. I heart Charli. Bestest Friend ever. Bed summons.

Yeah.So. That my friends, is three weeks solid under my belt. 15 days. I got all the way. Told them I would. Now all I need to do though is collapse. Had fun with my Charli. We ate chinese. And stargazed. And froze. And watched dodgy telly. But it was good. The vampire didn't make my arm explode today as she usually does, maybe she finally learnt how to be a plebottamist. Everyone's got their problems these days. But I don't need people who have bones to pick with me okay? You may well have been ringing me while I was laying in the field, but I don't give a toss. Right, how do they make elastic bands? Because if they made them like hair bands they'd snap if you stretched them. I think they just get a big blob of rubber and cut the middle out. Brrr, Teeth chattering. Jaw quivering. I wanted to go to Harlow. I still do.

Yesterday I lied to Charli. When we were watching some film. I hate having to lie to people but I do it anyway, to cover myself up. I've let a whole lot of stuff out lately but there's only so much really isn't there.. Ever had that feeling where you can just feel yourself breaking again? I have that feeling at present. Listening to new music, and old music, currently listening to the song that was on repeat that morning before I went out. I know that everyone's fed up of me big time. And I'm getting anonymous emails. Which are abusive. Which is getting me down but whatever. I'll cry it out later. I'm just so exhausted, too exhausted to even be sad. Today I've been thinking of 'doing a Catherine' but what's the point. Doing that means failing, and I will not have another failed attempt. Neither will Charli but that is something completely different. Haha. But yeah. They ask why I think I'm a failure, but seriously I can't even die. Jesus. Next time I'll just run away, far far away, afterwards and no one will find me and I'll succeed. Finally. Because this shit's been dragging out for such a long time. I can't take much more. Also something a friend said last night. She tried to make it sound like it wasn't about me but it was painfully obvious, and to me it was so painful. It's not my fucking fault alright, it's not something I control or anything, and I don't care if you and Ozzy were just talking you can't say that. Because you're overstepping the line okay. It's funny to a point but realise I've got feelings. And when you say stuff like that it hurts me. I don't think I've got anyone any more. Okay. Because I haven't got them and everyone knows it. I know it, they know it, everyone knows it. And the person that was always there when they weren't has upset me. And everyone's drifting away. Plus I can't even talk to my doctor for the next three weeks. I'm cracking under the pressure. And what I don't get is how I'm still so hung up on you. I mean, I do get it. Just no one else does. Because apparently I never loved you. Which I most definitely did. Okay. But whatever, I still bloody do which is a pain but yeah. It's the truth. I cannot get over you. I'm trying so hard, I really am. It's always you though. And I think I'm going insane. Thursday I could hear things, music, voices in my head. While I was in the field. It was things you'd say. Music you'd love which made me sad. You'd hate this music I'm listening to but I like it. Chilling. I'm scared, I'll admit it. I'm so scared about what's going to happen. I thought I'd hit rock bottom but apparently not. Oh and excuse me for talking about the time I was in hospital, it was a big part of my life and I'm not just not going to talk about it, pretend it didn't happen. I don't regret it and it was an experience. Memories. Brogan. The sweetest little girl ever. Oh crap I miss it there so much. It was a safe haven you know. The view over the hospital, the pink bathroom, the medical talk, the parent's room with a fridge, the playroom. I miss it so much. Okay, and I don't talk about it hardly as much as you fuckers talk about Zante and your precious nights out without me. It has memories and I'm not just going to drop them. I finally found the song. She is daring, to stand where I stood. She'll get hurt, she can love you more than I could. Well nobody understands. Maybe it's because I don't let them. Maybe it's something else.

There’s always so much to say, there’s just never the time. Time doesn’t really exist.